January 28, 2012

Health is the New Religion- Something that Everyone Will Try to Shove Down Your Throat

While I was at the grocery store the other day, I saw that Paula Deen had recently revealed that she had Diabetes.

Who could blame her? I'd ride Robert Irving...

...in other news, water is wet.

Seriously, how is this news to ANYONE?! I once saw an episode where she was grilling chicken-fried steaks in foil on the grill. She bundled one up all neat, moving on to the second before she started freaking out screaming, "OMG I FORGOT THE BUTTER". Cue her tearing the packages apart to shove half a stick of butter on top of each flour- and egg-covered steak. In another episode, Paula went to a Krispy Kreme and was welcomed behind the scenes to the conveyor belts of fresh donuts as the local KK "Most Valuable Customer". Paula proceeded to help herself to the bounty by biting into 18 donuts so that they could fit into a 12 donut box while they came out of the machine. She took this and a normal dozen of donuts and proceeded to make 2 cakes out of them. Cakes. Made of Donuts. Was I really the only one who thought, "My God, Paula must go to the gym everyday to keep her figure from not going Jabba the Hut".

Don't get me wrong, Paula Deen is my homegirl for multiple reasons. Earlier this week I made a recipe of her's- Mozzarella-Stuffed Meatballs. Parmesan was mixed into the meat which was then wrapped around chunks of cheese. I knew that this was not a "healthy" choice- not remotely. But I wanted to try something different and continue to practice my culinary endeavors.

I also made banana fruit roll-ups for the same reason. It looked like a prop from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or some other cannibal film, but sure was tasty. And I was eating bananas- something I typically do not do. Next time I may use Equal or something to make it somewhat healthier but now I know other kinks that need to be worked out in the making of process.

My point is, I'm in a personal exploration with food in general- "healthy" or not.

And quite frankly, I would be exhausted keeping up with the "healthy" trends. First eggs are totally bad then we find that they are somewhat good but in moderation then bad again unless you use just the whites. Health science is like every other science- it is not exact, we do not have all the answers. That's why I use "healthy" in quotations- the state of being healthy is ephemeral (i.e. fleeting. Victorious GRE word use!).

Last night, I went to pick up beer for a friend and myself. I grabbed my Mike's Hard Cherry Lemonade (which is awesome- I don't care how girly it is) and the Coor's Light and went to ring up. The cashier proceeded to tell me how one Hard Lemonade had the sugar and calorie intake of a Snickers. Out of instinct, I feigned amazement and then stated "Well, I walked into a beer store- I knew what I was getting into." Upon walking outside, I became pissed. Why did I fraternize with this man? I should have said, "Dude, it's a beer store- nothing that I would ingest in here is REMOTELY healthy."

And as I continued to fume about how this man totally ruined my bitch beer for me, I wondered, "There were plenty of people in that store- why was I selected to be privy to this fact?" I think it's because I was the sole female but that's for another rant on how sexist our culture is. Male or female- doesn't matter. Let me enjoy my shit. I'm not an idiot who thinks beer's GOOD for me. If you have too much of it, it directly makes you feel like shit where as McDonald's will make you feel like shit over time with excessive intake.Even if you were the simple bitch who misses this logic, your body will let you know- this shit is not good for you. Stop. Drinking. It.

But this happens all the time, people will tell you the "unhealthy" or "healthy" content of what you're eating. Because you clearly care. You clearly care that that item you are eating is ridiculously unhealthy and that's why you're not eating it... oh... wait...

Back off my shit. If I want to eat "unhealthy" foods, let me do so. Guilt trip me all you want for being a fatty- I'll just guilt trip you for being a dogmatic dick. I'm the agnostic eater. Respect my choice and I won't shove a mozzarella-stuffed meatball down your throat.

January 19, 2012

Social Dumbworking: Technology Breeds Boobery

Am I the only one who wonders how drama started before Facebook was... everywhere?

Seriously, I hear clients/colleagues/classmates get worked up over things on Facebook. And I sit there wondering, "What if there was no Facebook?"

   My friend posted a status talking about how someone/something was stupid DIRECTLY after talking to me
     My boyfriend wrote something suspicious/writes frequently on some chick's wall
       My coworker reported something I put on my wall and I got in trouble
         My sister told me she was sick when I saw pictures of her hanging out with friends

Before I continue, let me say for the record that I have totally overreacted to something that someone else wrote on Facebook. I can only think of 2 incidents but I will admit it has happened.

Jesus, people. It's Facebook. How seriously do you take the information you put on your Facebook? So WHY would you take something that someone else wrote more seriously? And always and forever (whether in person or via Internet):

Bitching about someone talking behind your back is in itself TALKING BEHIND THE PERSON'S BACK.

I've been on that rant a bazillion times so I'll save it for another post but in terms of Facebook, you do not need to be fighting annoying passive-aggressive bullshit with annoying passive-aggressive bullshit. That's called hypocrisy. And if we all wait for the pop (that would be the pop of your head coming out of your ass), we'd realize that hypocrisy is not really a positive characteristic or action. So when someone is talking shit or is just plain full of shit on Facebook, don't "like" it, or ignore it, or block it, or de-friend them. It really is that simple. Promise. I've done it before. It's possible. You have the technology!

I've further noticed (mainly in sessions) other things that Facebook and texting has provided our culture- nobody knows what "said," "talked," or "spoke" means anymore. Speaking, saying, or talking to someone involves moving your mouth and having sounds come out of it and the other person hears you with their ears. Wild concept, I know.

Instead of online, you may also have a conversation without speaking by Shining
So when you "spoke" to someone on Facebook or via text, you did not speak to them. That would be like seeing their picture and saying that you saw them in person. You didn't see them. You saw a picture. So why would you say that you spoke to someone when you had an online conversation? You can have a conversation without speaking.

Open a dictionary, not a new wall post.

January 16, 2012

Venturing Into The Further

So this week I'm using a vague movie reference. But for those of you who have seen "Insidious", yup, this is the same Further. For those of you who haven't seen it, The Further is like this alternate plane of existence that just has lost souls wandering around. These souls are mostly those who have been exorcised so uh, let's just say that that being at the DMV in The Further would literally be Hell. Not nice citizens in The Further.

Anyway, the rest of the populates are temporary wandering souls from this plane of existence. It's complicated, I won't go into it. But the moral of the story is, the movie Insidious is scary but has plenty of ridiculousness in it so that you can make fun of it and get the vaguest amount of sleep later that night.

Of course, my friend and I made fun of it and still got no sleep.

We were joking about how they characters were referring to "The Further" like it was some ominous grocery store or something. "Oh, I'm just going to go into The Further now." So since we've seen the movie, we'll frequently refer to things like a nightclub as "The Further".

Now you get the title, fabulous, on to my equally incoherent post--

For those of you who do not know me well, I'm a planner. Like, I plan out ev.er.y.thing. My apartment is the epitome of tedium that no one notices but me (which is probably for the best).

  • Every movie and TV show are alphabetized. Except Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin which are placed in that order. They are also in APA formatting. For example, the older "House of Wax" is before the newer "House of Wax" and same with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". "Super Troopers" comes before "Superbad" because nothing always comes before something in APA.
  • My clothing is arranged by formal v. casual, year-round v. seasonal, sleeve length, requiring undershirt or overshirt, color, and pattern.
  • The glittered pine cones I have out for winter decoration are arranged in the exact way I want them.
  • My remotes are lined up in order of frequency of use.
  • And extra creepy details include- all the food in my kitchen has the nutrition facts facing away. My liquor bottles are arranged in a certain pattern that incorporates color, height, and brand. The cubicles containing my DVDs seem to be in random arrangement on my shelves- trust me, they're not random.

I could continue with my list of little details I spent copious time on but that would be ironically copious. But my thinking is, a place for everything and everything in it's place. Once I find the perfect home for this object, that's it. I don't put anymore thought into it because it goes back to that spot. Judge me all you want- I pretty much always know where something is (and when I don't know it's because I've been unable to find a good spot for it) and I get plenty of compliments on how "clean" my apartment is. Little secret- it's not clean at all! It's just organized. Bwahahaha!!!

As you have probably already assumed, my tedium doesn't stop with my apartment, it continues on throughout the rest of my life. I have a plan A, plan B, and usually a plan C and frequently a plan Z (as in "If all else fails" plan). But recently, my life has not allowed for this.

I applied for my doctorate program and I'm still waiting to hear back. This news will determine so much. Not only will it dictate what I will be doing on the weekends for the next 4 years but whether I need to reapply elsewhere. Since the program is the only of it's kind, I have NO IDEA where I would apply. In addition, I realized the other night at the night club (yea, my brain is going 24:7 with the oddest things) that if I do not get accepted, I don't have enough credit hours to get licensure which is what I plan on working towards starting in the Fall, regardless if I get into my doctorate program.

I have not started looking for aforementioned clinical work. So I have to start the job hunt. Except if I do not get into my doctorate program and need the final 12 credit hours to get licensure, I will probably stay here, in Philadelphia, for another semester. So how can I apply for a job if I don't know where I will be living?

Meanwhile in my social life, I'm currently dating casually and it's been... horrifying. And it's not like the guys have been insane mutants or anything, I just don't get along with them (could my insanity listed above be a clue?). And with some of the things I wonder if I'm being petty but then I think "Well, if I feel I cannot be myself around them- why would I pursue this?". Then my nonstop brain starts going again and I start doubting a lot of my decisions, concerned about where I'm going.

There's more examples of chaos going on, but those are the biggies.

Hopefully I don't run into anyone like this but you never know with The Further- it's a tricky bitch.
I'm going into The Further, people (see, I'd get back to that at some point).

And I guess I'm ok with it. It's good to dabble a little with ambiguity and learn how to survive it, right? But it's so against my nature, I'm freaking out a little bit. I feel as though I should be working my way out of this ambiguous nonsense- form a plan A through Z if need be but just make a plan! (Ha- pun)

So in this moment, I'm trying to ride it out. Around the same time last year I had a mid-life crisis (which at the age of 23 is just plain neurotic) and pretty much lost my marbles trying to fight it. In hindsight, that was a bad life choice and I should've managed better. So now we're trying this route.

I'm sure you'll hear how well THAT goes in the next several weeks.

January 8, 2012

Slackeroni and Cheese

So, I epically fail at blogging. I admit it.

Also, for everybody who's been following since week 1 (danke very much!), I also fail with the Rachael Ray cooking plan. The plan required you to make 5 "staples" which you divide into little baggies and then freeze until you need them. I made the first 3 staples the first week, the 4th the second week, and a month later, the 5th.

Now, when I do occasionally cook, these premade baggies of staples like shredded pork and chicken are the bomb and a concept I think I'm going to continue with forever. But OMG. I have about 15 of the 20 meals to go and 2 of the ones I have made sucked. It was sad face.

I also really dropped the ball on the gym. I still go about twice a week but there has been the weeks where I'm swamped and do not go at all. Just hardcore slacking.

So I'm trying to pick back up, cook a legit meal at least once a week (which then lasts for multiple days), go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and blog when I have something super insightful.
And on that note...

I do not believe in new years resolutions. As a professional procrastinator aided by mad A.D.D., I even recognize how FOOLISH this concept is. So you procrastinate from doing something you should be doing 10 months out of the year and then in December you realize, "Oh shit, I'm a fat cow." But do you put down the pumpkin pie?


Instead, you allow yourself to be a chump for a whole extra month by saying, "I'm going to start working out next year- it will be my new years resolution." And then somewhere around January 20th, you're back to your same slacker self for a solid 10 months. Bravo.

And this is society enabled slacking. For example, last night I was asked what my new years resolution is. I replied, "Nothing." The person gave me this look. You know, that look of ultimate judgment because you're too special to not need improvements and, therefore, do not need to make resolutions. The person then proceeded to tell me their resolution in some bombastic (that means pretentious- look at that GRE vocab lingering in my feeble brain!) tone of "Well my resolution is to..."

I don't even know what the person said their resolution was. And I don't give two turtle shits what it was either. I am not conforming to this tradition of acceptable, annual slacking. So when I say I don't have a new years resolution, it's not because I'm lazy (which I am but that's a minor detail) or because I think I'm perfect, it's because I don't need a calender to tell me when it's time to pull my head out of my ass. The time to pull your head out of your ass is now!

Speaking of which, I'm way behind on some paperwork... I'm going to grab some pumpkin pie and continue to not do it.