Sorry, folks! I could've sworn I posted something brilliant here a few weeks ago but it appears that there are 2 blank draft posts on here. My spidey sense is telling me that technology is hating me again...
But I guess we'll move on since I have no idea what I wrote.
I hate applying for jobs.
It has to be the biggest bullshit ever second to the dating game- which I also find epically bullshit. And maybe that's because I suck at both of these things but *shhhh* go with me on this.
Every time I delve into applying for another boat-load of jobs, I feel the compulsion to rewrite my resume and cover letter since they CLEARLY didn't cut it last go-round.
So, I go online and find about a dozen jobs that I could maybe, sort of, kind of, see myself rocking. Then I go to upgrade my resume to awesome status in order to get these jobs, which, as an unemployed person, look EPIC!!!
Side note field trip- The umpteenth person called today about the fucking election. I was initially joking when I said, "I'll vote for which ever candidate stops calling me." but that is quickly becoming a reality. I genuinely believe that the best day of all time is the 2nd Tuesday of November after elections because it has been a week for people to be all hysterical about the results and then calm the fuck down and I can go the longest without being bothered by political "discussion" shenanigans. I'm sorry, but if you're being a stubborn ass and making bold statements either way, you're just being a bitch, not discussing- you think you can do better? Do it or shutup. I don't give two turtle shits about your political party- politicians are uniformly boobs. Except for that one dude in Maryland who apparently swears to not run again if he cannot get his shit together in 1 term. I would totally vote for that guy.
Oops, got on the political soapbox I try to avoid, let me get back to the story...
So anyway, this guy on the phone had, from a researcher's perspective, the shittiest multiple choice answer selections. It's like asking if I'd vote apples or bananas as the best fruit. There's pleanty of other fruit out there and I vote pumpkins, bitches because you never see it coming in a fruit war! And it's fall- the answer's always pumpkin. But he asks me how much I commute for my job- 0 to 15 minutes, 15 to 20, etc. I waited for him to finish before I asked, "Really? In this economy you assume I have a job? That's the stupidest thing ever. I'm unemployed because I'm being BONED by life." *awkward pause* "Um, thank you ma'am for your participation."
Sorry, had to share that- who the hell doesn't at least provide "unemployed" as an option? Horrible research. Shit, that can be my job- walking in, announcing that someone screwed the pooch, and that I can fix it. So anyway, back to me (Priscilla reference)-
I start rewriting my cover letter and resume. And we all know that regardless of how good you actually are, you have to play up like you're hot shit. "My name is ___ and I'm the best thing that ever happened to... what's your company? Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory? Yes, right, um, I'm the greatest thing to ever hit chocolate- better than peanut butter. I'm like the new peanut butter and the new caramel because I'm that awesome. I mean, I could run your company because I live for some chocolate, but I'm humble and a team player so I can totally manage the shit out of some orange green-haired little people from the jungle for you. Because if there's one thing I know almost as much as chocolate, it's little amazon people. I'm actually well known in that community, you just don't know it because you don't speak Oompa-Loompa, which is another reason why you need me for my awesome."
Ok, I had a lot of fun writing that (and now have a major jones for some Gobstoppers) but when writing ACTUAL cover letters, I feel like I am so full of shit, my eyes are brown (Archer reference). And then since I've sat there and purposefully amped myself up as the creator of sliced bread, the let down is all the more rough as nobody wants me.
But I continue to plug away. And in the meantime, I'll study BDSM in Oopma-Loompas or something...