Spontaneous Post!

I was reading an old post from one of my friends (I had many inspirations from her blog- it was epic) and she was discussing (OMG, I write "discussing" in just about every other sentence in my progress notes and now every time I type it outside of a progress note, my skin crawls) how she is trying to incorporate more spontaneity in her life.

Let's have a moment where we consider the irony of planning less planning in future plans... boom.

So, I'm reading this thinking, "How does one NOT plan?" It seems to go against every part of my being. I mean, I have flashbacks to all the moments I have encouraged my clients in some way to PLAN something for their future. And here I am trying to not plan.

Kid you not, my first thought in wrapping my mind around the concept of not planning was "I would have to plan..." And I caught myself. Honestly, how do you plan to not plan while coordinating with other people's plans? (Anybody else thinking of that scene in the Dark Knight when the Joker is saying how bad things happen in society and it's OK as long as it's part of the plan?) Like, for the last few months I have been pouring myself into my "plans" (wow, let's DISCUSS how old that word is getting...) for living in and sprucing up my parents' basement. I mean, if we truly took the opportunity to explore why I'm developing all these artsy fartsy ideas for a living area I will only be in temporarily, we would find that this is helping me reduce the anxiety I have about this endeavor while feeding my feelings of competency and allowing me to be distracted from other work I could be engaging in... but let's not get into that.

Actually, let's... kind of... not directly because I don't know if I'm ready to put that on a blog and make it a whole new level of "official". Planning does so much for us. It's not just "I have items A through X to do and I'm going to have to physically pencil it all into a calendar or else it ain't happening." Yes, I said A through X instead of Z, it was spontaneous, get with it. In your planning, you can totally forget why the fuck you're doing A through X.

So let's explore (not discuss!) this deal with the basement, since I already brought it up. That's right, people, we're going to directly address it- if you didn't see that coming, you did not read the title of the post. I want to move back to my parent's house. I have advertised that my motivation is to save money and the more I dream about the hypothetical money I will be saving, I drool a little bit. Of course, if we factor in the tuition loan payments coming up, it will probably only be a fraction of that but I'm still in grad school so we're going to continue to float the delusion of I will work out that hefty bill at a later date. I've been offered by a few people to come live with them (again, we will ignore the fact that I find these people wonderful and delusional for wanting to live with ME) and while I have given all of these prospects great thought, the dream dissipates and I'm still looking at trying to live with my parents. And then I start to consider why the hell I'm trying to swing this. A year ago, as I was making this plan most official, I literally had a panic attack. Living in a cardboard box was looking preferable. And yet, I find myself burrowing deeper into my plans. It honestly makes no sense.

And it's dawned on me that I'm probably just trying to prove something to myself. Instead of accepting the fact that I may be a competent family therapist, I am pushing myself to the ultimate test- negotiating life with my own family. I don't know if this is the actual reason- I really need to get on that personal therapy train. But as I have spontaneously forced myself to recklessly delve into my psyche, without planning it, I've recognized that my DIY To Do list consists of mental gymnastics to avoid all the cognitive garbage behind my endeavors (and my brain is going for the fucking gold on this one).

But my instincts pull me back into my plans to "be where you are". I have to cut my spending and save considerable money before I totally charge out into the world and all these plans may ultimately help make the basement my own and something that helps me own the situation- to be where I am and embrace the situation for what it is.

I'm aiming for nature and sophisticated ridiculousness.

Seriously though, that basement is going to be fly.

I Love You Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake

Thanks for hanging in there, guys. I love you... like a fat kid loves cake. And not like the Rhianna/Chris Brown Birthday Cake, I mean regular cake. Although, fat kids may sing the Birthday Cake chorus like I do when I eat cake... that sounded mad awkward, let's move on.

This is something that has sent me around the bend at least a few dozen times and probably will a few dozen more but for reasons I'll explain later, I haven't mentioned it.

I'm 5'7" and weigh 160 pounds... on a good day. When I'm slouching, it's 5'6" and usually I'm 165-170.

Before everyone says this in some divine unison, I am aware that some people do not see that. I see it every. freaking. day.

And if I haven't learned anything else from psychology it's this- if everyone else says the universe operates one way and you say another, you are probably crazy.

But I'm pretty sure I'm right, not crazy. I'm like 90% sure I'm right and the more people try to insist I'm wrong, the more I'm so sure I'm right.

And it's because of what people say BEFORE they know my true weight. Actually, detour- Who the fuck actually thinks that I'm the one woman who lies UP about their weight? Honestly?! If anything, I'm the only woman on this planet who will tell you their true weight if you ask. Granted, you'll get the one eyebrow-raise of "Excuse me?!" but I will be honest. Do you think I lie up about my weight because I enjoy being heavier than every single one of my boyfriends and love interests? Yes, because I value someone pitying my weight over how that makes men around me feel. I just don't get it. Why would I lie up about my weight? Especially if I can get away with telling people I weigh 145, why would I lie up?! Last I checked, being overweight was not socially or sexually desirable in this country- PARTICULARLY for women. Not like we can rationalize it by playing football or something... Geesh... Ok, anyway-

I've heard so many negative comments over the years against overweight women. And they are just said right in front of me and I sit there thinking about women whom have it worse off than I do. My. God. That must suck for them. And then I wonder if they don't hear the things I hear because their looks more closely resemble their weight.

Chicks with stretch marks are gross. (Side note- no one has control over that. It's dependent on how fast your bones grow in puberty, ass)

I would HATE to have my girlfriend weigh more than me. That's gross.

Fat chicks, like, you know, those weighing over 150.

Lane Bryant sells clothing for fat women. (They sell sizes 10 and up- I'm a 12)

OMG, I feel so fat- I weigh like *insert a number between 120 and 135*.

OR

 OMG, I feel so fat- I cannot fit into a size *insert a size between 4 and 8*.

And the one I heard today which prompted this post was a man referring to his daughter whom felt fat, "She's like, 5'6' or 5'7" and weighs 145, and I think she looks great." I replied (knowing that 145 is where I'm supposed to be), "And that's where she SHOULD be." That was a hinthintnudgenudge I don't weigh that- I wish I did! But the man didn't pick up on it and I just became very uncomfortable as I restrained myself from screaming and tried for the umpteenth time to assure myself that this person means nothing wrong.

Just like no one ever intends to insult me when they say these things around me but recognize that when you say something like the above, I inform you of my weight/size/stretch marks, and you tell me "Oh, you don't look like that." YOU'RE PAYING ME LIP SERVICE. You made an unbiased remark about how you feel and then started singing a different tune when I reveal you were just a total dick? Oh, well then I'm totally going to believe you. It's even cuter when people try to follow up with "It depends on how you feel" or "It really depends on how healthy you are." Oh, really? Well, now that I've sat here and heard you talk shit about something that describes me, I feel fucking awesome- and then I remember how much my doctors like to tell me I'm overweight. Oh, "it's all about proportions"? A sphere is proportional, too, ass. I'm not stupid.

Proportionally to Princess Leia, Jabba the Hut looks fat but that's probably because he's fat.

Again, I recognize that no one intends to do harm when they make these statements. But if you could just respect that that's how I feel, I'd really appreciate it. Telling me I'm full of shit will not help me boost my confidence. Also, just as I try not to discuss my negativity about my weight to other overweight people (women in particular), maybe you shouldn't be making bold, insulting statements about "fat" people. If you feel that way, that's nice. You can keep that to yourself. It's one thing to say you're unhappy about your weight. Ok, so is everyone else. But quantifying yourself as "fat" based on weight/size/other measureable characteristics is some dangerous grounds. It's like calling yourself old around someone who's 90. Just shut up. How do you think that makes them feel?

Finally, I have to state that I'm aware my weight is due to unhealthy choices I've made. I get that. I can change it and I'm working on it in my own way in my own time (I swear, staring at this picture of Jabba the Hut is really helping curb my appetite). But if I don't look as bad as I feel- who the fuck cares?

Forgive me, blog, for I have sinned. It's been several days since my last confession.

This is another long time brewing post with multiple drafts and edits.

Honestly, it's a message I want to type up, print out, fold neatly into an envelope, and then jam down one person's throat. Or as a fellow intern said (in reference to something else), I want to salt and pepper it and make the person EAT IT.

Ok, that sounds intensely violent (should probably stop the Criminal Minds marathon...) but this person's behavior REALLY bothers me. And it's not just this person, tons of people do what this person does in multiple different ways but for some reason I've been unable to cut this particular person totally out.

This person is what I would call "extremely religious". To clarify- there are those with strong religious beliefs. These people follow their religion closely and gain great strength from their practices. Further, they enjoy sharing their experience with others but respect other perspectives enough not push their their practices on other people.

A fabulous example would be an undergraduate friend (I will not mention her name since I didn't get her permission to do so but I'll let her know this is a secret shout-out to her awesomeness). Before I met this person, I'll be honest, I did not have a positive opinion of people with strong religious beliefs nor those who thought external forces controlled their lives. This epic example of a woman (and a woman of God) changed my opinion- frequently she discusses (and continues to on her Facebook statuses) her daily events as being caused or allowed by God/Jesus. But instead of blaming God for misfortune, she sees God's challenges as just that- challenges that will help her become more beautiful, strong, and awesome for things to come. Now, I'm not saying I'm jealous of my friend's connection with the Lord- I'm comfortable with my relationship with him and know that her lifestyle would not really work for me- but I greatly admire and respect her for being epitome of a good person and a good Christian.

Now, granted, there are some not-so-good Christians out there. And I don't mean people like me, whom have a general apathy for their religion, but I mean people like the Westboro Baptist Church. These are the "extremely religious" people I referred to earlier- they take their religious to an uncomfortable extreme. And street goes both ways- the first person whom I mentioned in not-so-nice terms is an extreme Atheist.

Now, he's not going out there and protesting at churches (although I honestly wouldn't put that past him) but in all the time I've known him, he has been constantly speaking out towards those with strong religious beliefs, particularly Christians.

I've even asked him before: if someone's beliefs gives them hope and comfort, why does it matter to you? I don't remember his exact response (since this was probably 2 years ago) but I know that this person operates on science as a religion- something he defiantly believes in as "truth" and the only truth. Those whom do not believe in this one and only truth, are illogical and and, therefore, unworthy of respect. Further, I know this person sees his role in life as someone who must confront those with religion and repent for their illogical behavior.

Because, you know, that's not at ALL what extreme Christians or Muslims or *fill in the blank* do. They NEVER use strong, hurtful language and actions to attack others' personal and spiritual beliefs. Nor do ever they act condescendingly towards people whom have differing beliefs. They always totally love and respect others as being from another walk of life and appreciate them for holding differences opposing them. AND as someone who is a true scientist, this person openly welcomes those to challenge his theories for the more challenges you face, the stronger your theory becomes.

...oh wait, that's not what happens? Oh,... Sciencedamn... (as opposed to God- I know, I'm hilarious).

Let's not even address (heads up- I'm totally about to address it) the fact that science is not ironically not fact at all. Science is a breathing, evolving community with adapting practices like a... a... um,... huh... er... maybe a fucking religion. Seriously. Science used to say the sun revolves around the Earth. And if we go by the idea that science is the truth that means... oh... Sciencedamn! I could continue to illustrate how science has drastically changed throughout the years but that's unnecessary (and let's be real- if my C average in history ass can name more than 2 examples, you know there's a shit-ton more we're missing). Now, I have heard Atheists criticize the religion for the catastrophic things done in the name of religion. Anybody remember the eugenics movement (can we again take a detour to admire this C students recount!)? Thousands of people were made infertile in efforts to weed out genetic imperfections. Scientifically, this makes total sense. Does it make it right? No. But don't PREACH to me about how religion has done historically terrible things in the hands of man.

Religion's not the problem. Man is the problem. For if you remove religion, I promise you man will find a way to hurt and manipulate others. Maybe I'm too Hobbesian (Thomas Hobbes, of course, being a high member in Christianity... oh wait, he was a philosopher) but man is selfish brute and he/she will find a way to do ugly things.

So pot, this is kettle telling you to look in a fucking mirror.

Seriously though, how full of pride do you have to be to not acknowledge that you have the same flaws you cannot stand and sneer upon on a daily basis?! And maybe that's why this person particularly bothers me- people with pride just get under my fucking skin. I'm still doing some self-exploration as to why that bothers me so but it does. I cannot stand those with pride- and I don't mean confidence or a sense of self worth but genuine PRIDE like John Doe from the movie Se7en contemplated using you as part of his master plan. I mean pride as when all those dead white dudes like Dante were sitting around talking shit about prideful people, they were thinking about you but wanted to spare your feelings. I mean pride as in you limp around with no nose because you shot yourself in the foot and cut off your nose to spite your face. Peacocks have nothing on your pride.

Ok, I went a little overboard there...

So why do I continue the vague connections I have with this person? I feel sorry for him. I'm sorry that he does not have the Lord to be his shepherd or Allah as a guide. I'm sorry that he has not found enlightenment from the teachings of the Buddha and will be reincarnated as a lesser being. I'm sorry that he cannot just find comfort in his personal "truth" and let the others explore in their own good time. And I'm sorry that he has chosen to look for all the negatives in the people around him who do have some sense of morality and love, even if it came from a religion. I have no intentions of being my beautiful friend whom walks with the Lord with every step, but I hope to continue to be a more positive example of someone with religion, even if it's only the vaguest amount.

Thank you, I'll get off of my pulpit...

Here's a lambie of God. While browsing through pictures I realized how literally all of our holidays (except maybe New Years) derives from a religion. Thanksgiving and July 4th? Colonists fleeing for religious freedom. Thank you, religion, because I know there are some days when we'd rather not work.

I have no witty title

Love that title, right?

So I'm the worst blogger ever. We have established that. BUT I have another idea for a post marinating in my brain so hopefully y'all will not have to wait another 100 years to hear from me.

This post has actually been a long time coming. I've mentioned in some previous post about a rant on gender and here it is. Although it's not in rant-form. Sorry to disappoint.

For those of you who don't know, I consider myself to be androgynous. But let's back up- there IS a difference between "sex" and "gender". "Sex" refers to the biological stuff that if I listed the terms here, some people may giggle reading; in our culture we use the words "man" and "woman". "Gender", however, is social and considered learned. It's the behavioral and personality characteristics our culture attributes to masculinity and femininity (ex: men are seen as aggressive and logical while women are seen as nurturing and passive). "Androgynous" is seen as a gender alternative (instead of "male" or "female") which contains both masculine and feminine personality and behavioral characteristics. For example, a lot of people would describe me as logical and neurotic as well as aggressive (particularly when driving- yikes!) and talkative. Making sense?

Well, last year, a teacher asked for me to explain what my experience was as an androgynous person. Being put on the spot, I went on a micro-rant about people insisting I have children (which may be a future post, who knows) which is not at all the big picture. I felt bad I did not portray my androgynous peoples better. For shame! But a year later, I finally came up with a good answer (ever had wanted to do a Mulligan on a moment in your life? True story.):

Being androgynous is like enjoying country music. I know, follow me on this. It's a quality people cannot tell by looking at you and not always something you mention to people or maybe wouldn't boast about in a given setting but it's a part of you that you appreciate and it defines you. Since it is not an apparent quality, frequently you'll be around people who will talk all sorts of shit on country music and on how much they hate it. Most of the time, you just sit there and hope no one asks why you're not agreeing.

     Similarly, when I'm in a social setting, people assume I agree with them or that I dislike behaviors men do
     because I'm a woman. Further, in mixed company (men and women), men will assume I do not agree with
     or side with a woman's perspective. It's usually when surrounded by women, I become more quiet as I
     debate whether I should speak against them or just get over it. Most of the time I don't speak up and most
     of the time I wish I had.

But maybe there's a time you do speak up and say, "Hey, I like country music." You'll get two responses. One response is someone telling you your wrong... on your opinion... which you just stated as a truth. "You're not wearing cowboy boots or have a cowboy hat so you don't listen to country." Ok, that was a silly example but country fans know what I'm talking about- people ask how you could possibly like country and act like you're unstable and that's the only possible explanation as to why your ears do not bleed (I know this happens because I sometimes do it- sorry!). Another response is the complete opposite where the person recklessly backs up, trying to say they too, enjoy country music, "Oh, yea- I really love the song Red Solo Cup!" Let's be honest, Red Solo Cup is not country- it's just amusing cultural trash and you will never hear me say I enjoy it but I know plenty of people who hold that song as their country music torch. Now, depending on your mood, you may want to slap this person, "Please, you do NOT listen to country music" or you just smile and nod, appreciating that they are trying to understand you when they clearly don't get it.

     With me, I usually (about 60% of the time) get the shut-down. I'm a woman and that makes me female or
     I'm seen as crazy or cold-hearted for agreeing with a male perspective. The other 40% is people who agree
     that they too have the same experience. Really? You just became androgynous in the 2 minutes you've
     known about the concept? Wow. You must be going through some serious crises.

That's the big picture stuff. In the day-to-day, you just see things differently as an androgynous person. Gender (and particularly gender preferences) is everywhere for me. Which brings me to the cute story which fueled this post (several pages later, I know, my bad).

This past weekend my family did our annual tradition of going to Oatlands, Virginia (outside of the sleezburg as we would call it) for cross country timber races, where we gamble, drink, and eat Popeye's. It's a classy event that Paris Hilton tries to get into every year.

THIS year, my aunt decided she needed more entertainment than dad and I drinking and amusing each other with Spongebob Squarepants references (which, of course, we still did) so she invited her friends. Four of which were two middle-aged couples who brought a little 3-year-old each with them. One boy, one girl. Naturally, these two are destined to be together like this is a Disney movie and the little boy tried to pursue the little girl all day- holding her hand, posing with her in pictures- in between stuffing his face with brownies and carrots (a balanced diet). Side note: The boy's father definitely told the boy, "You may want to stop stuffing your face, buddy, it's actually NOT a good way to get the ladies... trust me" as if speaking from experience.

The little girl was NOT into holding hands... unless no one was looking. She would not pose for pictures, and, in fact, hid behind her sunhat (ouch!). She pretended to be interested in another, older, boy, while looking over at the 3-year-old. When the 3-year-old would lose interest and be by his parents, the girl would grab a bunch of carrots and offer them to the boy. The moment his eyes became aglow, grabbing the carrots, that girl would dart off.

Being an awesome wingman, the boy's dad grabbed his son's arm, pulling an iphone out of his pocket. He yelled so the little girl could hear, "HEY! WANT TO WATCH A VIDEO?!" As he grabbed his son (whom was still looking around for the love of his life) and pulled up the video, the girl immediately tottered over, bearing more carrots. The father gave the iphone to his son commenting that it was "like fishing". The son, a novice at this game, immediately handed the phone over to the girl, whom dashed off with it, leaving him baffled.

Now, all us adults watching were laughing our asses off at this transaction. As an androgynous person, I walked off still thinking about this and ultimately became saddened with what had just happened. Here were a solid 7 adults (including myself- if we can call me an adult) reinforcing these two kids what they should be doing (girls resist but maintain connection with food while the boy lures with material goods, ultimately bewildered as to his losses). And as early as the age of 3! That's how early we openly and outwardly tell our kids this is the gender game and this is how you should play as a man/woman. But these kids kind of already knew even before the adults became involved.

And that's my experience as an androgynous person. I see what I should be doing as a woman and I don't get it and go another route which is typically seen as "masculine". To be perfectly honest, I don't know if it is or not nor do I care. I just don't want to be considered feminine or masculine.

Vera Bradley Eggs!

Taking a break from my typical, surly blog to post a craft I did (crossing my fingers I get posted on some cool DIY sites).

Anyway, a while back I saw a post about making Vera Bradley pumpkins and candles by modpodging (yup, that's a word now) Vera Bradley napkins to faux pumpkins and candles (can you make candleholders or is mod podge flammable?). As much as I love Halloween, it's honestly the LAST holiday I would think of when I think of Vera Bradley (maybe I just need more bright colors, paisley, and flowers in my October decor). SO WHY WOULD I STOP AT HALLOWEEN?!

Cue me buying a surplus of Vera Bradley napkins and brainstorming all the things I could mod podge them to. Side note for all my friends reading this- you will more than likely get something covered in Vera Bradley for Christmas- just a heads up.

I also enjoy decorations that can be used for multiple holidays/events like blue glass pebbles which can work winter or beach- just drop them on/in a respective tray/vase. Instant easy classiness. But I digress, I thought that Vera Bradley eggs could work for Easter (no duh) and for anything else the napkin coordinates with.

Ironically could be used all parts of the year- except Halloween

So I worked out the bugs and can now share with you- be sure to read "The Lessons of the Boo-boo Eggs" at the bottom!

Start with the following:

• plastic eggs (I grabbed a cheap-o bag of various sizes at Michaels. Don't grab one's that have been sitting in the sun- apparently, plastic melts/warps in the sun... yea... I got into grad. school somehow)
• scissors
• sandpaper (I used fine grade, probably don't want to use coarser because it will damage the egg too much)
• white paint (I used acrylic but it left streaks since I was painting on plastic. I didn't care but you might and will want to use spray paint or something)
• paint brush
• mod podge (I used the matte finish but I haven't played around with any other versions to let you know if something would work better)
• Vera Bradley napkins! or any thin pretty paper (being a cheap thrifty grad student, I got the luncheon napkins which were the cheapest and it worked fine)

Step 1: Prep your eggs. You'll want to cut the halves apart  and sand down the rough edges if you got the cheap-o ones like me. If you got the separated ones, cutting isn't necessary. Don't forget to sand down the little nubs at the ends of the eggs! Once you have the eggs nice and smooth, paint them white. If you're impatient like me, you can mod podge them together now or wait until the paint dries.

If you're going to do a half-arsed job (like me) or use acrylic which will leave streaks, I highly recommend coordinating the egg color with a color in the napkin because part of the napkin WILL become transparent (See Boo-boo Eggs).

Step 2: Measure your squares. I cut off the border of the napkins because the details were smaller and would have looked terrible cut-up. Plus, now I have a bunch of perfectly square box borders- I think I see Vera Bradley picture frames in my future! From one luncheon napkin I was able to cover 1 large, 2 medium, and 1 small egg. The measurements for that were: 11cm x 16.5 cm, 8.5 cm x 14 cm, and 6.5 cm x 11 cm, respectively. But Lauren, what if I used a different sized egg?! It's ok, calm down. You need your rectangle of napkin to be able to wrap around the chubbiest part of your egg and be tall enough to wrap from one end to the other (not all the way around). For your first egg, I would choose a piece that has an extra centimeter or more because you can always cut off but GOOD LUCK adding on! You'll also want to remove all the white backing to the napkins (see B-b E) but be careful- the napkins become delicate with no sturdy backing!

Sorry I didn't show an actual rectangle for you- I think you can use your imagination though.

Step 3: Prep your paper. This part takes some practice and negotiating. You're going to fray the top and bottom of the paper. The more cuts you make the more flat and smooth the finishing product will be BUT (the dreaded "but") the more distorted your picture will be as well. I chose distortion and smoothness over lumpy, less distortion- your call. When you make your choice, here's how you're going to fray- the side of the paper that will be at the bottom of your egg will be cut slightly wider and shallower than the top. Your top fray will be thin and you'll want to cut further into the paper. Make sure to leave a midsection! The fringes should not go to the center! Let's say you marked 1 thru 10 on your paper, the top should cut down to 4 while the bottom cuts up to 7. Make sense? I tried to show it below. PS- You'll want to go end to end on your fringing.

This was for a little egg, I believe, so the fringes were relatively narrow on both ends- you can go wider with larger eggs.

Step 3.5: Wait until your paint dries. ... if it hasn't already. If it has, and you haven't modpodged the eggs together yet, get on it! Because you'll want the mod podge to dry to before handling them (see Boo-boo eggs if you're tempted to not wait).

FOR PROCEEDING STEPS USE AS LITTLE MOD PODGE AS POSSIBLE

Step 4: Mod podge the middle. Only add a little mod podge at a time and keep it in the middle- if some part of the napkin clings where it isn't supposed to, it can tear while pulling it off and be a real pain. Carefully attach one side of the rectangle to your egg- be sure to check that your thinner/longer frays are at the top/tapered part of the egg and the fatter/shorter frays are at the bottom/rounded part of the egg. Also check that the ends of the paper can reach both the top and bottom of the egg. Try to level the paper so that it wraps around nicely and consistently. Avoid getting mod podge on the outside of the paper- it increase the chances that fringes or fingers will stick and tear the paper and, again, be a royal pain.

Keep frays out and slowly roll, smoothing down the paper as you go. Tip- The back of my nail served as a nice smoothing tool- even better when nail polish was on it, go figure!

Step 5: Mod podge the ends! Start with one end of the egg and fold down all the fringes (not all the way so that they get stuck to the middle but enough to see what you're doing). Work from the inner edge (assuming your edges overlapped after rolling) and gently mod podge down the fringes. Smooth them down with the brush as you go, again, use as little mod podge as possible (think the water test they do on toilet paper and paper towel ads- decorative napkins cannot hold up to a lot of water, they would be the "other brand" in the ads). I alternated the fringes as I went, rotating the egg twice. This allowed me to align the pattern somewhat and not have the pattern totally destroyed.

It doesn't look so hot, but go with me on this.

One end done! See the smoothness? That's why we go with the more narrow fringes.

Step 6: Coat and dry. Once both ends were completed, I did a thin over-all coat to give a consistent texture to the entire egg. Resist the urge to decorate with them before they dry!

The Lessons of the Boo-boo Eggs

I made Boo-boo eggs so you don't have to. It was totally on purpose *shifts eyes*

• Paint your eggs white! See where the paper became transparent in white places but not consistently? That'll happen but if you're egg is white underneath, who cares- white flowers will look all white.
• Wait for your eggs to dry! I didn't wait for the mod podge to seal the egg to the left together and it popped mid-podge, tearing the paper. Looks bad, doesn't it? Don't do it.
• Remove the backing of the napkin! Again, the backing will just become transparent anyway and you're not helping yourself by having more paper in the mix. It will just get in your way.

And that's it! It's much more simple than my elaborate instructions makes it look. And once you get the hang of it, you'll have a bowl-full. Trust me on this...

Did I do the lazy "I'm not sure what to do with these so I'm going to dump them in a bowl like I totally meant to dump them in a bowl all along"? Why yes, yes I did.

The Couples Therapist is In

For the past couple of weeks, I've been seeing far too many men complaining about how they're "good guys" and get screwed over/passed up/ignored. Granted, this goes both ways (males and females alike) and this pattern has been observed over the years but have probably come out of the woodworks more in the past few weeks thanks to Communist- excuse me- Valentine's Day (No I don't like Valentine's Day but I'll save that for probably next year). And generally it's "nice" guys crying about how they "finish last" or were "made bad" by some former lover so that's the example I'm going to use in this post to make it less confusing but I really do believe it goes both ways- excuse the hotmess sexism.

Anyway, I'm here to impart my learning and my thoughts on the manner in efforts to help out. It may not sound nice but get over it- I'm not a "nice" person.

Which segues into my main point- no one is "nice" or "bad". Everyone has these qualities to them. None of us are perfect (we're human, after all) and none of us are evil (although now I'm thinking of all the serial killers on Criminal Minds). And for the purpose of covering all our bases, let's say there are a teeny, tiny, maybe three people in the world who are 100% perfect or 100% evil. You're not dating or trying to date them. Promise. The chances of that are ridiculous.

But for those who still are committed to the idea of "nice" and "bad" boys here's why bad boys are typically sought after.

First off, it's a primitive instinct to go for those exuding the testosterone. a) It shows health. A healthy mate is a lifelong mate that can go to the store and get you cookies at the drop of a hat. And a healthy mate can do, uh, exercises for extended periods of time, which is nice because women take a little longer to, uh, exercise. b) It shows fertility. As much as I don't want kids, I'm well aware that others do. Testosterone means little swimmers and a lot of people associate a strong guy with strong swimmers- even though that makes no sense but it's just another pull for attraction. c) It shows strength which goes hand in hand with d) It shows anger. Again, think the primitive monkeys- a strong, angry ape isn't going to let just anybody waltz around his tree or his mate. There's the assumption that a strong, angry man will fight for me and only me. Plus, if there's a zombie apocalypse, who do you want to be with? Nice nerd or buff douche? Maybe both so you can have the nerd to sacrifice...

If we step back into this century and out of the biological, there's the social reason that bad boys play by their own rules. You can always depend on an asshole to be an asshole. Sometimes he's nice and you start to think silly notions that he has a "good" guy lurking in him. Then he's an asshole- whatttttt??? That's right. You can depend on an asshole to be an asshole. Always.

Also, with either feminine men or women (but we'll continue with women), there's this drive to nurture and care for things. The "bad" boy is literally a project- he needs to be cared for and fixed. And because I'm oh-so-special, I can do it! Where 20 bazillion women have failed to change him, I'm BOUND to succeed. I know it sounds stupid but it happens.

Having said all this, I must stress, you don't need to be an asshole to get chicks. Just watch and take notes on the effective things.
     Think 40-Year-Old Virgin- that guy wasn't a jerk but he racked up the ladies in that movie using moves
     from idiots, not all the women were winners, but his confidence boost helped him get the right girl. It may be
     a hilarious movie but it makes a damn good point- rewatch it and get some chuckles.
1)You're too wishy-washy, Charlie Brown! Yup, I'm Lucy. Be who you are- don't change because you've got one girl on the brain. If she doesn't like you for you, it's not going to work out. Promise. Take a stand on things that matter to you. Again, you don't need to be a douche and insist your point is right. But don't waver just to flatter some red-haired girl who doesn't even give two turtleshits on the matter. I'm going to quote P!nk right now- "Do what you do, say what you say, mean what you mean when you say." Sing it, sister.
2) Treat me differently than other girls. A lot of nice guys will put 20 bazillion girls on a pedestal. That's a good thing, right? No. It's not. You need to find a girl worthy of your pedestal and will fight for it as you fight to be on her pedestal. Plus, if you hoist every girl up on a pedestal, you will continue to stand where you are- ground zero. No girl will date beneath her. That's just silly. You need her to hoist you up on her pedestal so you're both special to each other.
3) I'm not perfect, just like you. When "nice" guys find a girl worthy, they see them as 100% perfect. But let's revisit my initial point- no one's perfect. Please do not treat me like I'm perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to be perfect 24:7. Plus, no conflict leads to no growth and thus, stagnant boredom. AND you bet your bottom dollar I do see all of your flaws which makes me feel like a jerk in comparison to you seeing me as perfect. You don't have to hate my imperfections, just see them. They're there. Promise.
4) Just because you're nice, doesn't mean you're right for me. What if the Little Red-haired Girl hates baseball? That's ok. It just means that Charlie Brown and the LRG were not meant to be. Remember making a jigsaw puzzle and you have a bump piece and a hole piece? Not every bump fits into every hole (my drty mind just died laughing). And just because you bring roses, or cuddle, or want to talk about your feelings, doesn't automatically mean you're the salt of the Earth for every girl. For example, I'm a fat kid and if I've had a bad day and you come over with chips and shut-up while I watch Alfred Hitchcock and eat the entire bag, you can probably hang around. You're different from other dudes so look for a chick that's different from other girls and matches you.

That will be 500 bucks, please (no, not 5 cents- inflation's a bitch).

Rude.com: Technology Breeds Boobery (Part 2)

When I wrote "Social Dumbworking: Technology Breeds Boobery", I had no intentions of making a part 2 bash of technology but my latest trip to Starbucks has set me off.

...ironically, all this bitching is done via technology...

So, it's pretty official that I have Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Case and point- I should be doing paperwork right now. I've been trying different techniques to try and get my work done but nothing works. Last week I realized that I'm frequently distracted by everything I own.

     I look at my TV: I want to watch Alfred Hitchcock.
     I look at my bed: I really want a nap.
     I look at my kitchen: I should really clean those dishes.
     I look at my candle: I should burn that/blow it out.
     I look at the floor: Geesh, this needs to be vacuumed.
     I look at my desk: Are there any bills I need to pay?
     I look at the ceiling: What's the meaning of life?
     I look at my clock: Shit, I've had this document open for 5 hours and have put 3 words on it.

Ok, maybe I don't consider the meaning of life but the point is, I do everything on the planet BUT what I should be doing. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I think about doing everything on the planet but what I should be doing- I don't actually do anything because I'm "doing paperwork" which then occupies the majority of the day (we're talking 9-11 hours) and now the little shit I only kind of have to do doesn't even get done.

Without resulting to getting blinders that they use on horses, I decided to pack up and migrate to the promiseland that is Starbucks and on the first day, I got 15 documents completed in 8 hours. Boom. Productive.

Wanting to repeat the success from the week before, I dragged myself out of bed and returned to my chai mecca.
     Before I continue: I recognize that Starbucks is a public space and a coffee shop- not a book store or library
     or somewhere private- and therefore, those in the Starbucks have no obligation to make the environment
     optimal for me to do my work. It's not their fault that I'm too special to get anything accomplished in my
     own apartment.

I settled into an open table which was unfortunately under a speaker. Why Starbucks chooses to play weird-ass music, frequently in foreign languages, I don't know. But I quickly found out that music with lyrics in a foreign language is harder to ignore than those in English. This kind of sucked but whatever. Another girl was on the other side of the aisle, working on her computer with her headphones on. Again, no problem. Then I saw Russian Skype Guy return. Russian Skype Guy was there the week before and while he was there for the last 5 hours I was, talking via Skype most of the time, I left because he proceeded to get off Skype and scream, in Russian, on his phone for 2 hours. I kept holding out thinking that the conversation could not possibly go on longer and he'll hang up any minute but no, I had to leave before I punched him. This week, without fail, Russian Skype Guy settled in and immediately started screaming Russian into the phone for only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, girl with her laptop had taken out her headphones to go to the bathroom and returned to realize her headphones made perfectly good speakers and she did not need to wear them.
    Side note: Why would you bother to have your headphones plugged in if you're not going to wear them? Honestly, your computer has speakers for a reason. You are just ruining your headphones by blasting music and treating them as regular speakers. Further, if you want to play music so you do not hear anyone or anything else WHY WOULD YOU NOT WEAR THE HEADPHONES?
So now that Russian Skype Guy is screaming, we need to turn our headphones up louder and woman who was sitting in the corner who was only slightly loud is now screaming into her phone (which is now on speakerphone). Even when he gets off his phone and starts only talking loudly via Skype to an equally loud person, everyone has adjusted their appropriate volumes and hasn't bothered to turn anything back down.

Cue me slowly pulling out my hair and darting my eyes around at people like I'm about to have a Carrie moment where everyone's thrown against the wall via telekinesis. Btw, I learned from this experience that I unfortunately do not have telekinesis.

Seriously people, where are your fucking manners? If you and a friend were talking loudly in a public area, wouldn't you be aware of people glaring at you or would try to be quieter? Or let's look at this the other way- if someone was being loud and distracting you from whatever, wouldn't you be pissed?

So what the fuck makes you think I want to hear about your daily life while your girlfriend tells you about the bad date she had the other night. I'm planning on being a couples therapist and that is TMI. What makes you think I enjoy your music? I didn't drive to Starbucks thinking, "God, I really hope that chick comes in and plays her music." If I wanted to listen to your music, wouldn't I a) buy it b) have my iTunes on and c) have my headphones IN? I don't give two turtle shits about your conversation or your music, so keep them to yourself.

I don't get why you would have your phone on speakerphone in public to BEGIN with. Do you need everyone on the planet to hear about your business? Shit, why did the government even implement the Patriot Act- just go to the local Starbucks.

And this is not just Starbucks. This is everywhere. People do not know how to make boundaries with their technology. Just because you can do just about anything anywhere, doesn't mean you should. Don't text when someone's trying to talk to you. Don't use speakerphone unless you're by yourself. Don't have your phone on "So loud Helen Keller could hear it" in public. If you cannot hear someone, tell them or take the hint that you probably shouldn't be talking there.

Doing these things makes you the person who brings a baby into a bar. You look like an incompetent douchebag to all of those around you and you would totally agree with us that you ARE an incompetent douchebag if you were looking from our perspective.

Let's Have a Chat, Hollywood

So I promise I have not been blog slacking, I just haven't had anything inspirational to put on here. Well, there were a couple of things I wanted to *ahem* discuss (i.e. BITCH about) but it was motivated by 2 of my avid readers which is just something I don't need to deal with. So y'all had to wait until I could find something less threatening. Having said that,-

Modern TV is terrible.

And when I say terrible, I mean I love it in the most ashamed way ever. I honestly don't know how my parents grew up with a whopping 5 channels and no DVDs (or VHSs for that matter!) to choose from- and that's if no one messed with the perfectly-precariously-positioned antenna.

So I really appreciate the variety but some of these shows, we need to calm down on. They need to go off the air because they only perpetuate the stereotype that we're all idiots.

Self disclosure moment- a couple years back I found the glories of the Bravo Network. Millionaire Matchmaker? Tabitha's Salon Takeover (Side note- why do judges or pissed off overhaulers have to be British? Is this some remnant of Colonial times when the damn Red Coats were tyrants over us, youthful colonists? Seriously, America, we kicked ass and took names- grab life by the balls and overhaul your own fucking salon.)? AWESOME SHOWS. Don't even try to tell me otherwise.

But I had a dark secret- I also thoroughly enjoyed the Real Housewives of Orange County. I watched a couple episodes of the other "Real Housewives" but nothing compared to the hypocritical, batshit, stupidity of these California yuppies. And for every moment they pissed me off, I was that much more enthralled.

And maybe that's because I liked Vicki. Vicki was the voice of reason on the show. She frequently caused drama because she couldn't go to so-and-so's girls get together at 2pm on a Tuesday because she had a full-time job of owning her own company. She had 2 kids and was kind of a work-aholic but the woman got shit done and had a seemingly wonderful man there supporting her. They had their ups and downs but they were committed to working it out. I identified with that- I could easily see myself being like that in the future (minus the children).

Then Vicki got a divorce. And this was, like, her second or third divorce. Clearly, her job got in the way of her relationship with this loving and overly supportive guy. Recently, she's come out on her blog as saying how you should not let anyone else get in the way of your dreams. I totally agree with that...

BUT (the word that makes the previous statement irrelevant) isn't part of your dream also to have a loving husband? I mean, if it's not, that's fine. Don't waste other people's time by getting married to them. At the very least be up front and honest stating "I  have no intentions of putting 100% into this relationship- you'll get 80% on a good day." If marriage is on your dream radar, just like having a successful business, then act like it. Give that dream the time, effort, and respect it deserves. If you're allowing your business to get in the way of your marriage, you're just getting in the way of yourself- it's not your spouse. I'm just saying.

So, I've gotten a little off topic, but my point is that even some of the best reality show personalities have some serious flaws. And let's face it, if someone as successful as Vicki is not really a fabulous role model, THE JERSEY SHORE PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT GOOD ROLE MODELS.

And several of my peers would say they agree. But they also say quotes from the show all the time. If you genuinely abhorred these people or at the very least disagreed with them, you would not quote them. No one respects Hitler and therefore no one quotes Hitler. Same with the Devil and Jack the Ripper. See how that works? And then on the opposite vein, pretty much everyone can quote one or all of the following people: Martin Luther King Jr., Helen Keller, Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi. I'm thinking these people are pretty well respected if they are quoted on a daily basis despite being dead. So if you're quoting someone all the time like the stupid drunken shit they say is Gandhi-level GOLD, my guess is that you revere these people. And that's just sad.

Not that I'm saying Gandhi should have a reality show. That sounds 5-TV-channels-level terrible.