Vera Bradley Eggs!

Taking a break from my typical, surly blog to post a craft I did (crossing my fingers I get posted on some cool DIY sites).

Anyway, a while back I saw a post about making Vera Bradley pumpkins and candles by modpodging (yup, that's a word now) Vera Bradley napkins to faux pumpkins and candles (can you make candleholders or is mod podge flammable?). As much as I love Halloween, it's honestly the LAST holiday I would think of when I think of Vera Bradley (maybe I just need more bright colors, paisley, and flowers in my October decor). SO WHY WOULD I STOP AT HALLOWEEN?!

Cue me buying a surplus of Vera Bradley napkins and brainstorming all the things I could mod podge them to. Side note for all my friends reading this- you will more than likely get something covered in Vera Bradley for Christmas- just a heads up.

I also enjoy decorations that can be used for multiple holidays/events like blue glass pebbles which can work winter or beach- just drop them on/in a respective tray/vase. Instant easy classiness. But I digress, I thought that Vera Bradley eggs could work for Easter (no duh) and for anything else the napkin coordinates with.

Ironically could be used all parts of the year- except Halloween

So I worked out the bugs and can now share with you- be sure to read "The Lessons of the Boo-boo Eggs" at the bottom!

Start with the following:

• plastic eggs (I grabbed a cheap-o bag of various sizes at Michaels. Don't grab one's that have been sitting in the sun- apparently, plastic melts/warps in the sun... yea... I got into grad. school somehow)
• scissors
• sandpaper (I used fine grade, probably don't want to use coarser because it will damage the egg too much)
• white paint (I used acrylic but it left streaks since I was painting on plastic. I didn't care but you might and will want to use spray paint or something)
• paint brush
• mod podge (I used the matte finish but I haven't played around with any other versions to let you know if something would work better)
• Vera Bradley napkins! or any thin pretty paper (being a cheap thrifty grad student, I got the luncheon napkins which were the cheapest and it worked fine)

Step 1: Prep your eggs. You'll want to cut the halves apart  and sand down the rough edges if you got the cheap-o ones like me. If you got the separated ones, cutting isn't necessary. Don't forget to sand down the little nubs at the ends of the eggs! Once you have the eggs nice and smooth, paint them white. If you're impatient like me, you can mod podge them together now or wait until the paint dries.

If you're going to do a half-arsed job (like me) or use acrylic which will leave streaks, I highly recommend coordinating the egg color with a color in the napkin because part of the napkin WILL become transparent (See Boo-boo Eggs).

Step 2: Measure your squares. I cut off the border of the napkins because the details were smaller and would have looked terrible cut-up. Plus, now I have a bunch of perfectly square box borders- I think I see Vera Bradley picture frames in my future! From one luncheon napkin I was able to cover 1 large, 2 medium, and 1 small egg. The measurements for that were: 11cm x 16.5 cm, 8.5 cm x 14 cm, and 6.5 cm x 11 cm, respectively. But Lauren, what if I used a different sized egg?! It's ok, calm down. You need your rectangle of napkin to be able to wrap around the chubbiest part of your egg and be tall enough to wrap from one end to the other (not all the way around). For your first egg, I would choose a piece that has an extra centimeter or more because you can always cut off but GOOD LUCK adding on! You'll also want to remove all the white backing to the napkins (see B-b E) but be careful- the napkins become delicate with no sturdy backing!

Sorry I didn't show an actual rectangle for you- I think you can use your imagination though.

Step 3: Prep your paper. This part takes some practice and negotiating. You're going to fray the top and bottom of the paper. The more cuts you make the more flat and smooth the finishing product will be BUT (the dreaded "but") the more distorted your picture will be as well. I chose distortion and smoothness over lumpy, less distortion- your call. When you make your choice, here's how you're going to fray- the side of the paper that will be at the bottom of your egg will be cut slightly wider and shallower than the top. Your top fray will be thin and you'll want to cut further into the paper. Make sure to leave a midsection! The fringes should not go to the center! Let's say you marked 1 thru 10 on your paper, the top should cut down to 4 while the bottom cuts up to 7. Make sense? I tried to show it below. PS- You'll want to go end to end on your fringing.

This was for a little egg, I believe, so the fringes were relatively narrow on both ends- you can go wider with larger eggs.

Step 3.5: Wait until your paint dries. ... if it hasn't already. If it has, and you haven't modpodged the eggs together yet, get on it! Because you'll want the mod podge to dry to before handling them (see Boo-boo eggs if you're tempted to not wait).

FOR PROCEEDING STEPS USE AS LITTLE MOD PODGE AS POSSIBLE

Step 4: Mod podge the middle. Only add a little mod podge at a time and keep it in the middle- if some part of the napkin clings where it isn't supposed to, it can tear while pulling it off and be a real pain. Carefully attach one side of the rectangle to your egg- be sure to check that your thinner/longer frays are at the top/tapered part of the egg and the fatter/shorter frays are at the bottom/rounded part of the egg. Also check that the ends of the paper can reach both the top and bottom of the egg. Try to level the paper so that it wraps around nicely and consistently. Avoid getting mod podge on the outside of the paper- it increase the chances that fringes or fingers will stick and tear the paper and, again, be a royal pain.

Keep frays out and slowly roll, smoothing down the paper as you go. Tip- The back of my nail served as a nice smoothing tool- even better when nail polish was on it, go figure!

Step 5: Mod podge the ends! Start with one end of the egg and fold down all the fringes (not all the way so that they get stuck to the middle but enough to see what you're doing). Work from the inner edge (assuming your edges overlapped after rolling) and gently mod podge down the fringes. Smooth them down with the brush as you go, again, use as little mod podge as possible (think the water test they do on toilet paper and paper towel ads- decorative napkins cannot hold up to a lot of water, they would be the "other brand" in the ads). I alternated the fringes as I went, rotating the egg twice. This allowed me to align the pattern somewhat and not have the pattern totally destroyed.

It doesn't look so hot, but go with me on this.

One end done! See the smoothness? That's why we go with the more narrow fringes.

Step 6: Coat and dry. Once both ends were completed, I did a thin over-all coat to give a consistent texture to the entire egg. Resist the urge to decorate with them before they dry!

The Lessons of the Boo-boo Eggs

I made Boo-boo eggs so you don't have to. It was totally on purpose *shifts eyes*

• Paint your eggs white! See where the paper became transparent in white places but not consistently? That'll happen but if you're egg is white underneath, who cares- white flowers will look all white.
• Wait for your eggs to dry! I didn't wait for the mod podge to seal the egg to the left together and it popped mid-podge, tearing the paper. Looks bad, doesn't it? Don't do it.
• Remove the backing of the napkin! Again, the backing will just become transparent anyway and you're not helping yourself by having more paper in the mix. It will just get in your way.

And that's it! It's much more simple than my elaborate instructions makes it look. And once you get the hang of it, you'll have a bowl-full. Trust me on this...

Did I do the lazy "I'm not sure what to do with these so I'm going to dump them in a bowl like I totally meant to dump them in a bowl all along"? Why yes, yes I did.

The Couples Therapist is In

For the past couple of weeks, I've been seeing far too many men complaining about how they're "good guys" and get screwed over/passed up/ignored. Granted, this goes both ways (males and females alike) and this pattern has been observed over the years but have probably come out of the woodworks more in the past few weeks thanks to Communist- excuse me- Valentine's Day (No I don't like Valentine's Day but I'll save that for probably next year). And generally it's "nice" guys crying about how they "finish last" or were "made bad" by some former lover so that's the example I'm going to use in this post to make it less confusing but I really do believe it goes both ways- excuse the hotmess sexism.

Anyway, I'm here to impart my learning and my thoughts on the manner in efforts to help out. It may not sound nice but get over it- I'm not a "nice" person.

Which segues into my main point- no one is "nice" or "bad". Everyone has these qualities to them. None of us are perfect (we're human, after all) and none of us are evil (although now I'm thinking of all the serial killers on Criminal Minds). And for the purpose of covering all our bases, let's say there are a teeny, tiny, maybe three people in the world who are 100% perfect or 100% evil. You're not dating or trying to date them. Promise. The chances of that are ridiculous.

But for those who still are committed to the idea of "nice" and "bad" boys here's why bad boys are typically sought after.

First off, it's a primitive instinct to go for those exuding the testosterone. a) It shows health. A healthy mate is a lifelong mate that can go to the store and get you cookies at the drop of a hat. And a healthy mate can do, uh, exercises for extended periods of time, which is nice because women take a little longer to, uh, exercise. b) It shows fertility. As much as I don't want kids, I'm well aware that others do. Testosterone means little swimmers and a lot of people associate a strong guy with strong swimmers- even though that makes no sense but it's just another pull for attraction. c) It shows strength which goes hand in hand with d) It shows anger. Again, think the primitive monkeys- a strong, angry ape isn't going to let just anybody waltz around his tree or his mate. There's the assumption that a strong, angry man will fight for me and only me. Plus, if there's a zombie apocalypse, who do you want to be with? Nice nerd or buff douche? Maybe both so you can have the nerd to sacrifice...

If we step back into this century and out of the biological, there's the social reason that bad boys play by their own rules. You can always depend on an asshole to be an asshole. Sometimes he's nice and you start to think silly notions that he has a "good" guy lurking in him. Then he's an asshole- whatttttt??? That's right. You can depend on an asshole to be an asshole. Always.

Also, with either feminine men or women (but we'll continue with women), there's this drive to nurture and care for things. The "bad" boy is literally a project- he needs to be cared for and fixed. And because I'm oh-so-special, I can do it! Where 20 bazillion women have failed to change him, I'm BOUND to succeed. I know it sounds stupid but it happens.

Having said all this, I must stress, you don't need to be an asshole to get chicks. Just watch and take notes on the effective things.
     Think 40-Year-Old Virgin- that guy wasn't a jerk but he racked up the ladies in that movie using moves
     from idiots, not all the women were winners, but his confidence boost helped him get the right girl. It may be
     a hilarious movie but it makes a damn good point- rewatch it and get some chuckles.
1)You're too wishy-washy, Charlie Brown! Yup, I'm Lucy. Be who you are- don't change because you've got one girl on the brain. If she doesn't like you for you, it's not going to work out. Promise. Take a stand on things that matter to you. Again, you don't need to be a douche and insist your point is right. But don't waver just to flatter some red-haired girl who doesn't even give two turtleshits on the matter. I'm going to quote P!nk right now- "Do what you do, say what you say, mean what you mean when you say." Sing it, sister.
2) Treat me differently than other girls. A lot of nice guys will put 20 bazillion girls on a pedestal. That's a good thing, right? No. It's not. You need to find a girl worthy of your pedestal and will fight for it as you fight to be on her pedestal. Plus, if you hoist every girl up on a pedestal, you will continue to stand where you are- ground zero. No girl will date beneath her. That's just silly. You need her to hoist you up on her pedestal so you're both special to each other.
3) I'm not perfect, just like you. When "nice" guys find a girl worthy, they see them as 100% perfect. But let's revisit my initial point- no one's perfect. Please do not treat me like I'm perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to be perfect 24:7. Plus, no conflict leads to no growth and thus, stagnant boredom. AND you bet your bottom dollar I do see all of your flaws which makes me feel like a jerk in comparison to you seeing me as perfect. You don't have to hate my imperfections, just see them. They're there. Promise.
4) Just because you're nice, doesn't mean you're right for me. What if the Little Red-haired Girl hates baseball? That's ok. It just means that Charlie Brown and the LRG were not meant to be. Remember making a jigsaw puzzle and you have a bump piece and a hole piece? Not every bump fits into every hole (my drty mind just died laughing). And just because you bring roses, or cuddle, or want to talk about your feelings, doesn't automatically mean you're the salt of the Earth for every girl. For example, I'm a fat kid and if I've had a bad day and you come over with chips and shut-up while I watch Alfred Hitchcock and eat the entire bag, you can probably hang around. You're different from other dudes so look for a chick that's different from other girls and matches you.

That will be 500 bucks, please (no, not 5 cents- inflation's a bitch).

Rude.com: Technology Breeds Boobery (Part 2)

When I wrote "Social Dumbworking: Technology Breeds Boobery", I had no intentions of making a part 2 bash of technology but my latest trip to Starbucks has set me off.

...ironically, all this bitching is done via technology...

So, it's pretty official that I have Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Case and point- I should be doing paperwork right now. I've been trying different techniques to try and get my work done but nothing works. Last week I realized that I'm frequently distracted by everything I own.

     I look at my TV: I want to watch Alfred Hitchcock.
     I look at my bed: I really want a nap.
     I look at my kitchen: I should really clean those dishes.
     I look at my candle: I should burn that/blow it out.
     I look at the floor: Geesh, this needs to be vacuumed.
     I look at my desk: Are there any bills I need to pay?
     I look at the ceiling: What's the meaning of life?
     I look at my clock: Shit, I've had this document open for 5 hours and have put 3 words on it.

Ok, maybe I don't consider the meaning of life but the point is, I do everything on the planet BUT what I should be doing. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I think about doing everything on the planet but what I should be doing- I don't actually do anything because I'm "doing paperwork" which then occupies the majority of the day (we're talking 9-11 hours) and now the little shit I only kind of have to do doesn't even get done.

Without resulting to getting blinders that they use on horses, I decided to pack up and migrate to the promiseland that is Starbucks and on the first day, I got 15 documents completed in 8 hours. Boom. Productive.

Wanting to repeat the success from the week before, I dragged myself out of bed and returned to my chai mecca.
     Before I continue: I recognize that Starbucks is a public space and a coffee shop- not a book store or library
     or somewhere private- and therefore, those in the Starbucks have no obligation to make the environment
     optimal for me to do my work. It's not their fault that I'm too special to get anything accomplished in my
     own apartment.

I settled into an open table which was unfortunately under a speaker. Why Starbucks chooses to play weird-ass music, frequently in foreign languages, I don't know. But I quickly found out that music with lyrics in a foreign language is harder to ignore than those in English. This kind of sucked but whatever. Another girl was on the other side of the aisle, working on her computer with her headphones on. Again, no problem. Then I saw Russian Skype Guy return. Russian Skype Guy was there the week before and while he was there for the last 5 hours I was, talking via Skype most of the time, I left because he proceeded to get off Skype and scream, in Russian, on his phone for 2 hours. I kept holding out thinking that the conversation could not possibly go on longer and he'll hang up any minute but no, I had to leave before I punched him. This week, without fail, Russian Skype Guy settled in and immediately started screaming Russian into the phone for only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, girl with her laptop had taken out her headphones to go to the bathroom and returned to realize her headphones made perfectly good speakers and she did not need to wear them.
    Side note: Why would you bother to have your headphones plugged in if you're not going to wear them? Honestly, your computer has speakers for a reason. You are just ruining your headphones by blasting music and treating them as regular speakers. Further, if you want to play music so you do not hear anyone or anything else WHY WOULD YOU NOT WEAR THE HEADPHONES?
So now that Russian Skype Guy is screaming, we need to turn our headphones up louder and woman who was sitting in the corner who was only slightly loud is now screaming into her phone (which is now on speakerphone). Even when he gets off his phone and starts only talking loudly via Skype to an equally loud person, everyone has adjusted their appropriate volumes and hasn't bothered to turn anything back down.

Cue me slowly pulling out my hair and darting my eyes around at people like I'm about to have a Carrie moment where everyone's thrown against the wall via telekinesis. Btw, I learned from this experience that I unfortunately do not have telekinesis.

Seriously people, where are your fucking manners? If you and a friend were talking loudly in a public area, wouldn't you be aware of people glaring at you or would try to be quieter? Or let's look at this the other way- if someone was being loud and distracting you from whatever, wouldn't you be pissed?

So what the fuck makes you think I want to hear about your daily life while your girlfriend tells you about the bad date she had the other night. I'm planning on being a couples therapist and that is TMI. What makes you think I enjoy your music? I didn't drive to Starbucks thinking, "God, I really hope that chick comes in and plays her music." If I wanted to listen to your music, wouldn't I a) buy it b) have my iTunes on and c) have my headphones IN? I don't give two turtle shits about your conversation or your music, so keep them to yourself.

I don't get why you would have your phone on speakerphone in public to BEGIN with. Do you need everyone on the planet to hear about your business? Shit, why did the government even implement the Patriot Act- just go to the local Starbucks.

And this is not just Starbucks. This is everywhere. People do not know how to make boundaries with their technology. Just because you can do just about anything anywhere, doesn't mean you should. Don't text when someone's trying to talk to you. Don't use speakerphone unless you're by yourself. Don't have your phone on "So loud Helen Keller could hear it" in public. If you cannot hear someone, tell them or take the hint that you probably shouldn't be talking there.

Doing these things makes you the person who brings a baby into a bar. You look like an incompetent douchebag to all of those around you and you would totally agree with us that you ARE an incompetent douchebag if you were looking from our perspective.

Let's Have a Chat, Hollywood

So I promise I have not been blog slacking, I just haven't had anything inspirational to put on here. Well, there were a couple of things I wanted to *ahem* discuss (i.e. BITCH about) but it was motivated by 2 of my avid readers which is just something I don't need to deal with. So y'all had to wait until I could find something less threatening. Having said that,-

Modern TV is terrible.

And when I say terrible, I mean I love it in the most ashamed way ever. I honestly don't know how my parents grew up with a whopping 5 channels and no DVDs (or VHSs for that matter!) to choose from- and that's if no one messed with the perfectly-precariously-positioned antenna.

So I really appreciate the variety but some of these shows, we need to calm down on. They need to go off the air because they only perpetuate the stereotype that we're all idiots.

Self disclosure moment- a couple years back I found the glories of the Bravo Network. Millionaire Matchmaker? Tabitha's Salon Takeover (Side note- why do judges or pissed off overhaulers have to be British? Is this some remnant of Colonial times when the damn Red Coats were tyrants over us, youthful colonists? Seriously, America, we kicked ass and took names- grab life by the balls and overhaul your own fucking salon.)? AWESOME SHOWS. Don't even try to tell me otherwise.

But I had a dark secret- I also thoroughly enjoyed the Real Housewives of Orange County. I watched a couple episodes of the other "Real Housewives" but nothing compared to the hypocritical, batshit, stupidity of these California yuppies. And for every moment they pissed me off, I was that much more enthralled.

And maybe that's because I liked Vicki. Vicki was the voice of reason on the show. She frequently caused drama because she couldn't go to so-and-so's girls get together at 2pm on a Tuesday because she had a full-time job of owning her own company. She had 2 kids and was kind of a work-aholic but the woman got shit done and had a seemingly wonderful man there supporting her. They had their ups and downs but they were committed to working it out. I identified with that- I could easily see myself being like that in the future (minus the children).

Then Vicki got a divorce. And this was, like, her second or third divorce. Clearly, her job got in the way of her relationship with this loving and overly supportive guy. Recently, she's come out on her blog as saying how you should not let anyone else get in the way of your dreams. I totally agree with that...

BUT (the word that makes the previous statement irrelevant) isn't part of your dream also to have a loving husband? I mean, if it's not, that's fine. Don't waste other people's time by getting married to them. At the very least be up front and honest stating "I  have no intentions of putting 100% into this relationship- you'll get 80% on a good day." If marriage is on your dream radar, just like having a successful business, then act like it. Give that dream the time, effort, and respect it deserves. If you're allowing your business to get in the way of your marriage, you're just getting in the way of yourself- it's not your spouse. I'm just saying.

So, I've gotten a little off topic, but my point is that even some of the best reality show personalities have some serious flaws. And let's face it, if someone as successful as Vicki is not really a fabulous role model, THE JERSEY SHORE PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT GOOD ROLE MODELS.

And several of my peers would say they agree. But they also say quotes from the show all the time. If you genuinely abhorred these people or at the very least disagreed with them, you would not quote them. No one respects Hitler and therefore no one quotes Hitler. Same with the Devil and Jack the Ripper. See how that works? And then on the opposite vein, pretty much everyone can quote one or all of the following people: Martin Luther King Jr., Helen Keller, Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi. I'm thinking these people are pretty well respected if they are quoted on a daily basis despite being dead. So if you're quoting someone all the time like the stupid drunken shit they say is Gandhi-level GOLD, my guess is that you revere these people. And that's just sad.

Not that I'm saying Gandhi should have a reality show. That sounds 5-TV-channels-level terrible.

Health is the New Religion- Something that Everyone Will Try to Shove Down Your Throat

While I was at the grocery store the other day, I saw that Paula Deen had recently revealed that she had Diabetes.

Who could blame her? I'd ride Robert Irving...

...in other news, water is wet.




Seriously, how is this news to ANYONE?! I once saw an episode where she was grilling chicken-fried steaks in foil on the grill. She bundled one up all neat, moving on to the second before she started freaking out screaming, "OMG I FORGOT THE BUTTER". Cue her tearing the packages apart to shove half a stick of butter on top of each flour- and egg-covered steak. In another episode, Paula went to a Krispy Kreme and was welcomed behind the scenes to the conveyor belts of fresh donuts as the local KK "Most Valuable Customer". Paula proceeded to help herself to the bounty by biting into 18 donuts so that they could fit into a 12 donut box while they came out of the machine. She took this and a normal dozen of donuts and proceeded to make 2 cakes out of them. Cakes. Made of Donuts. Was I really the only one who thought, "My God, Paula must go to the gym everyday to keep her figure from not going Jabba the Hut".

Don't get me wrong, Paula Deen is my homegirl for multiple reasons. Earlier this week I made a recipe of her's- Mozzarella-Stuffed Meatballs. Parmesan was mixed into the meat which was then wrapped around chunks of cheese. I knew that this was not a "healthy" choice- not remotely. But I wanted to try something different and continue to practice my culinary endeavors.

I also made banana fruit roll-ups for the same reason. It looked like a prop from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or some other cannibal film, but sure was tasty. And I was eating bananas- something I typically do not do. Next time I may use Equal or something to make it somewhat healthier but now I know other kinks that need to be worked out in the making of process.

My point is, I'm in a personal exploration with food in general- "healthy" or not.

And quite frankly, I would be exhausted keeping up with the "healthy" trends. First eggs are totally bad then we find that they are somewhat good but in moderation then bad again unless you use just the whites. Health science is like every other science- it is not exact, we do not have all the answers. That's why I use "healthy" in quotations- the state of being healthy is ephemeral (i.e. fleeting. Victorious GRE word use!).

Last night, I went to pick up beer for a friend and myself. I grabbed my Mike's Hard Cherry Lemonade (which is awesome- I don't care how girly it is) and the Coor's Light and went to ring up. The cashier proceeded to tell me how one Hard Lemonade had the sugar and calorie intake of a Snickers. Out of instinct, I feigned amazement and then stated "Well, I walked into a beer store- I knew what I was getting into." Upon walking outside, I became pissed. Why did I fraternize with this man? I should have said, "Dude, it's a beer store- nothing that I would ingest in here is REMOTELY healthy."

And as I continued to fume about how this man totally ruined my bitch beer for me, I wondered, "There were plenty of people in that store- why was I selected to be privy to this fact?" I think it's because I was the sole female but that's for another rant on how sexist our culture is. Male or female- doesn't matter. Let me enjoy my shit. I'm not an idiot who thinks beer's GOOD for me. If you have too much of it, it directly makes you feel like shit where as McDonald's will make you feel like shit over time with excessive intake.Even if you were the simple bitch who misses this logic, your body will let you know- this shit is not good for you. Stop. Drinking. It.

But this happens all the time, people will tell you the "unhealthy" or "healthy" content of what you're eating. Because you clearly care. You clearly care that that item you are eating is ridiculously unhealthy and that's why you're not eating it... oh... wait...

Back off my shit. If I want to eat "unhealthy" foods, let me do so. Guilt trip me all you want for being a fatty- I'll just guilt trip you for being a dogmatic dick. I'm the agnostic eater. Respect my choice and I won't shove a mozzarella-stuffed meatball down your throat.

Social Dumbworking: Technology Breeds Boobery

Am I the only one who wonders how drama started before Facebook was... everywhere?

Seriously, I hear clients/colleagues/classmates get worked up over things on Facebook. And I sit there wondering, "What if there was no Facebook?"

   My friend posted a status talking about how someone/something was stupid DIRECTLY after talking to me
     My boyfriend wrote something suspicious/writes frequently on some chick's wall
       My coworker reported something I put on my wall and I got in trouble
         My sister told me she was sick when I saw pictures of her hanging out with friends

Before I continue, let me say for the record that I have totally overreacted to something that someone else wrote on Facebook. I can only think of 2 incidents but I will admit it has happened.

Jesus, people. It's Facebook. How seriously do you take the information you put on your Facebook? So WHY would you take something that someone else wrote more seriously? And always and forever (whether in person or via Internet):

Bitching about someone talking behind your back is in itself TALKING BEHIND THE PERSON'S BACK.

I've been on that rant a bazillion times so I'll save it for another post but in terms of Facebook, you do not need to be fighting annoying passive-aggressive bullshit with annoying passive-aggressive bullshit. That's called hypocrisy. And if we all wait for the pop (that would be the pop of your head coming out of your ass), we'd realize that hypocrisy is not really a positive characteristic or action. So when someone is talking shit or is just plain full of shit on Facebook, don't "like" it, or ignore it, or block it, or de-friend them. It really is that simple. Promise. I've done it before. It's possible. You have the technology!

I've further noticed (mainly in sessions) other things that Facebook and texting has provided our culture- nobody knows what "said," "talked," or "spoke" means anymore. Speaking, saying, or talking to someone involves moving your mouth and having sounds come out of it and the other person hears you with their ears. Wild concept, I know.

Instead of online, you may also have a conversation without speaking by Shining

So when you "spoke" to someone on Facebook or via text, you did not speak to them. That would be like seeing their picture and saying that you saw them in person. You didn't see them. You saw a picture. So why would you say that you spoke to someone when you had an online conversation? You can have a conversation without speaking.

Open a dictionary, not a new wall post.

Venturing Into The Further

So this week I'm using a vague movie reference. But for those of you who have seen "Insidious", yup, this is the same Further. For those of you who haven't seen it, The Further is like this alternate plane of existence that just has lost souls wandering around. These souls are mostly those who have been exorcised so uh, let's just say that that being at the DMV in The Further would literally be Hell. Not nice citizens in The Further.

Anyway, the rest of the populates are temporary wandering souls from this plane of existence. It's complicated, I won't go into it. But the moral of the story is, the movie Insidious is scary but has plenty of ridiculousness in it so that you can make fun of it and get the vaguest amount of sleep later that night.

Of course, my friend and I made fun of it and still got no sleep.

We were joking about how they characters were referring to "The Further" like it was some ominous grocery store or something. "Oh, I'm just going to go into The Further now." So since we've seen the movie, we'll frequently refer to things like a nightclub as "The Further".

Now you get the title, fabulous, on to my equally incoherent post--

For those of you who do not know me well, I'm a planner. Like, I plan out ev.er.y.thing. My apartment is the epitome of tedium that no one notices but me (which is probably for the best).

• Every movie and TV show are alphabetized. Except Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin which are placed in that order. They are also in APA formatting. For example, the older "House of Wax" is before the newer "House of Wax" and same with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". "Super Troopers" comes before "Superbad" because nothing always comes before something in APA.
• My clothing is arranged by formal v. casual, year-round v. seasonal, sleeve length, requiring undershirt or overshirt, color, and pattern.
• The glittered pine cones I have out for winter decoration are arranged in the exact way I want them.
• My remotes are lined up in order of frequency of use.
• And extra creepy details include- all the food in my kitchen has the nutrition facts facing away. My liquor bottles are arranged in a certain pattern that incorporates color, height, and brand. The cubicles containing my DVDs seem to be in random arrangement on my shelves- trust me, they're not random.

I could continue with my list of little details I spent copious time on but that would be ironically copious. But my thinking is, a place for everything and everything in it's place. Once I find the perfect home for this object, that's it. I don't put anymore thought into it because it goes back to that spot. Judge me all you want- I pretty much always know where something is (and when I don't know it's because I've been unable to find a good spot for it) and I get plenty of compliments on how "clean" my apartment is. Little secret- it's not clean at all! It's just organized. Bwahahaha!!!

As you have probably already assumed, my tedium doesn't stop with my apartment, it continues on throughout the rest of my life. I have a plan A, plan B, and usually a plan C and frequently a plan Z (as in "If all else fails" plan). But recently, my life has not allowed for this.

I applied for my doctorate program and I'm still waiting to hear back. This news will determine so much. Not only will it dictate what I will be doing on the weekends for the next 4 years but whether I need to reapply elsewhere. Since the program is the only of it's kind, I have NO IDEA where I would apply. In addition, I realized the other night at the night club (yea, my brain is going 24:7 with the oddest things) that if I do not get accepted, I don't have enough credit hours to get licensure which is what I plan on working towards starting in the Fall, regardless if I get into my doctorate program.

I have not started looking for aforementioned clinical work. So I have to start the job hunt. Except if I do not get into my doctorate program and need the final 12 credit hours to get licensure, I will probably stay here, in Philadelphia, for another semester. So how can I apply for a job if I don't know where I will be living?

Meanwhile in my social life, I'm currently dating casually and it's been... horrifying. And it's not like the guys have been insane mutants or anything, I just don't get along with them (could my insanity listed above be a clue?). And with some of the things I wonder if I'm being petty but then I think "Well, if I feel I cannot be myself around them- why would I pursue this?". Then my nonstop brain starts going again and I start doubting a lot of my decisions, concerned about where I'm going.

There's more examples of chaos going on, but those are the biggies.

Hopefully I don't run into anyone like this but you never know with The Further- it's a tricky bitch.

I'm going into The Further, people (see, I'd get back to that at some point).

And I guess I'm ok with it. It's good to dabble a little with ambiguity and learn how to survive it, right? But it's so against my nature, I'm freaking out a little bit. I feel as though I should be working my way out of this ambiguous nonsense- form a plan A through Z if need be but just make a plan! (Ha- pun)

So in this moment, I'm trying to ride it out. Around the same time last year I had a mid-life crisis (which at the age of 23 is just plain neurotic) and pretty much lost my marbles trying to fight it. In hindsight, that was a bad life choice and I should've managed better. So now we're trying this route.

I'm sure you'll hear how well THAT goes in the next several weeks.

Slackeroni and Cheese

So, I epically fail at blogging. I admit it.

Also, for everybody who's been following since week 1 (danke very much!), I also fail with the Rachael Ray cooking plan. The plan required you to make 5 "staples" which you divide into little baggies and then freeze until you need them. I made the first 3 staples the first week, the 4th the second week, and a month later, the 5th.

Now, when I do occasionally cook, these premade baggies of staples like shredded pork and chicken are the bomb and a concept I think I'm going to continue with forever. But OMG. I have about 15 of the 20 meals to go and 2 of the ones I have made sucked. It was sad face.

I also really dropped the ball on the gym. I still go about twice a week but there has been the weeks where I'm swamped and do not go at all. Just hardcore slacking.

So I'm trying to pick back up, cook a legit meal at least once a week (which then lasts for multiple days), go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and blog when I have something super insightful.
And on that note...

I do not believe in new years resolutions. As a professional procrastinator aided by mad A.D.D., I even recognize how FOOLISH this concept is. So you procrastinate from doing something you should be doing 10 months out of the year and then in December you realize, "Oh shit, I'm a fat cow." But do you put down the pumpkin pie?

No.

Instead, you allow yourself to be a chump for a whole extra month by saying, "I'm going to start working out next year- it will be my new years resolution." And then somewhere around January 20th, you're back to your same slacker self for a solid 10 months. Bravo.

And this is society enabled slacking. For example, last night I was asked what my new years resolution is. I replied, "Nothing." The person gave me this look. You know, that look of ultimate judgment because you're too special to not need improvements and, therefore, do not need to make resolutions. The person then proceeded to tell me their resolution in some bombastic (that means pretentious- look at that GRE vocab lingering in my feeble brain!) tone of "Well my resolution is to..."

I don't even know what the person said their resolution was. And I don't give two turtle shits what it was either. I am not conforming to this tradition of acceptable, annual slacking. So when I say I don't have a new years resolution, it's not because I'm lazy (which I am but that's a minor detail) or because I think I'm perfect, it's because I don't need a calender to tell me when it's time to pull my head out of my ass. The time to pull your head out of your ass is now!

Speaking of which, I'm way behind on some paperwork... I'm going to grab some pumpkin pie and continue to not do it.