December 3, 2011

Winter is Coming!

I'd bundle up with that. Yup, the title is a nod to the awesome Game of Thrones and foxy Jon Snow.

I hate winter
I know, I know. Hate is a strong word. But I strongly dislike to the point of hating winter.

     I hate snow.
       I hate driving in snow (in the air or on the ground).
         I hate long sleeves and multiple layers.
           I hate shoes that I have to tie and socks.
             I hate being sick.
               I hate being cold.

Winter is just unpractical. And anybody who sits here and tells me they love winter or that "It's better than summer" or some derivative has not really sat there and thought this shit through.

I'm serious. Ok, in summer, yea, it's hot- I get that. But it's not so hot that you cannot start your car. Kid you not, there are places in this country where people's gas and other fluids freeze in their car making it undrivable. You never have to wake up early to scrape heat off your window or shovel the heat out from around your car. Heat does not obstruct your vision while driving or make the roads slick. People do not drive slower in heat, arguably, they drive faster in order to get a breeze in their car. Anybody with a libido will tell you that summer and the half nudity it produces is very nice. There is nothing flattering about winter clothes and if they are flattering- you're cold.Once you're inside, you are now carrying around a hat, gloves, a jacket, a sweater, a scarf, etc. Have fun with that. People do not slip and fall in the heat.

Ok, now I know there's people out there thinking about their own reasons why winter is awesome and summer sucks so let's tackle the common ones:

  • "At least in winter, you're not sweating." False. If you bundle up properly, you are sweating in some places and frozen in others and then you go inside and you're sweating buckets because you have all this shit on.
  • "In winter, you can put on layers and become comfortable while in summer you can only take off but so much." Ok, true. But frankly, I don't want to feel like that kid in A Christmas Story and become some upside-down turtle of winter clothes ("I can't put my arms down!"). Also, in the morning when you wake up, it's cold and the last thing you want to do is get out of the cocoon that is your bed while in summer, you're hot and getting out of bed is sometimes halfway appealing.
  • "I like the holidays." Touche, the holidays are nice. But if you ask people in Florida, I promise you they'll tell you the holidays still happen without having to freeze their nuts off.
  • "I like cozying up to a fire." Summer night camp fire. Done.
  • "I like watching the leaves turn." That's fall, dumbass.
And finally, (my favorite)
  • "I love snow. It's so pretty." This is just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's even better when it's followed up with "until it gets plowed". What, you don't want your snow to be plowed?! You're fine staying inside all winter like a damn bear? I certainly hope you ate like one because here in a couple weeks, I'm sure you're screwed. Enjoy that unplowed snow while you starve. Meanwhile, I, over here in summer awesomeness, will be driving to Rita's and be living it up with delicious food that I can access. Another great follow-up is "just for a couple days, then it can go away". Well that's not the way it works, simple bitch. So unless you're out there with a hair dryer, you better accept that snow hangs around and continues to be a lingering pain in the ass. At least rain (which I'm not a fan of either) will move itself along down into the sewer. Snow sucks. Please read above arguments.
And here's my final argument for why winter sucks balls. A solid 80% of those fools who claim to love winter and snow and all that other bullshit from August to December, end up being sick of it by February. You love it or not. Make up your fucking mind. If you like something because is in this very moment you want it (i.e. it's the middle of summer and you're wanting winter or vice versa), you are 5 years old. Think about it.

Although the Russian winter did conquer the Nazis. Touche. Score 1, winter. Score 308745463, summer.

I got bear coasters to make me feel mildly better about winter. They're awesome. But winter still sucks.