September 19, 2013

Wait, Was That Supposed to be a Turn-On? Yea, It Wasn't.

Soooooo, I didn't think I had been gone for almost 4 MONTHS!!! My bad. I thought it was like, 2, MAYBE 3. But life's been annoying and my computer's been annoying and I'm sure I've been annoying by dealing with annoying things so you should be thanking me that I didn't come on here and write a whiny post........ you're welcome.

ANYWAY! Today I visited my grandmother and I made the God-awful mistake of telling her I had joined an online dating site. She was a little scattered today so that quickly diverted to telling me everything about her neighbor's personal life and then I fumbled to get away from the awkwardness of hearing EVERYTHING about this woman I don't know well and somehow blurted out that I hate dating.

What's with old ladies that we just word vomit to them? OH GOD NOW THE NEIGHBOR WILL LEARN ALL ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE.


But I do hate dating. I really do. It's this awkward struggle where you're like, "Do I share EVERYTHING with this person or do I just share *air quotes* everything with this person?" Because there's a part of you that wants to be honest and authentic and be genuine with this person who may be THE person. You don't know. And then when you hold back, when do you start to open the closet of "So heyyyy, I may have some super special qualities. Don't run. Hey! WAIT! I promise I'm not that weird! No! These were here all along and it was ok! No! I can be normal! Andddd you're gone... damn." Then the next time, you're like "Fuck this! I'm emptying alllllllll of my shit onto the table of the first place we meet up and you can just DEAL. OR NOT. Whatever. Fuck you."

And because honesty is always the best policy and you keep telling yourself that you have plenty of friends who stand by your side with all of your personal shit, you go with the second choice-- you lay it allllll out.

At this moment, I'd like to take a moment to say God, Buddah, and Allah (and all the Hindu gods and goddesses I cannot spell) bless the Internet. Because any time that you feel that you have some negative quality, some flaw, there's always, ALWAYS someone out there, on the Internet, who will one up you.

Like seriously, I think I'm socially awkward and these people just put me to shame. I look completely sane. And that's weird.

Some examples from my worldly online adventures. Keep in mind that this is the stuff BEFORE my online dating profile... before. Wrap your mind around this.

"You're a psyc major, THAT'S SO FUNNY! I'm on antipsychotics! I mean, I'm SUPPOSED to be on antipsychotics. Lol!"
"I think you should cut your hair short. My mom and my ex cut their hair short and it looked hot."
"Yea, I don't like meeting people online either. I keep getting conned into relationships by other dudes even though I'm straight. I just feel bad for them."
"You're a therapist? Hey, you could study me! I hate my current relationship and I'm wondering if I should leave it or not. Before you give me the obvious answer that everyone I've talked to has already given me, let me, please, give you the whole long, drawn-out background on why my partner's an ass but I'm clearly a wonderful person still in this relationship calling this person an ass to everyone I talk to including complete strangers such as yourself."

Then there's the classics I receive when I tell people I study human sexuality in order to become a sex therapist:

"Human sexuality, eh? Want to have sex with me?"
"So what is sex therapy? Can you, like, help me with my dick? How about my porn addiction? How about how my dick doesn't work after I've watched a lot of porn and I want to watch more porn?"
"My husband farts. That's not sexy. You're a therapist. Tell him it's not sexy."
"This one person doesn't have sex. You should tell them to have sex."
*From a coworker/superior*-- "Hey, you should host some talks about sex and orgasm right in the middle of it... why are you blushing? You shouldn't blush if you want to talk about sex with people."

Ok, clearly the people don't always says these things this directly (note how I said "not always"-- it totally fucking happens half the time) but, you know, maybe honesty = not so much the best policy. Some thoughts are ok to keep to yourself-- promise. Please check your over-sized baggage that will not fit nicely in the overhead compartment of this conversation.

And it's these moments I think about when I debate on whether I should whip out my personal "stuff" like it's my dick and this is the Internet. I would also like to bless all my non-single family and friends who tell me how I should TOTALLY be myself! Always! Find a man who loves you for who you are! To those people, I love you and your point is valid... but I don't think you understand... I have some serious "stuff". Why the fuck do you think I'm single?

My grandmother is one of those people. After trying to explain the incredible uncomfortableness of being on the receiving end of someone's brutally honest reveal of their personal problems, I switched gears to say, "It's hard to determine what you compromise and stick out for and what you cut your losses and write-off as a mismatch in personalities."

This then diverted down the dark path of why I don't want kids and a hideous behind-the-curtain look at my family of origin which, honestly, just validated my beliefs that children are a VERY bad choice for me. But the point is, dating blows. It blows chunks. Can I magically be in a relationship without jumping through the hoops of dating? Disney did not prepare me for this. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White's ass were sleeping half the movie and here comes this hot man who makes out with their unconscious bodies and they live happily ever after.

At this point, I would like to clarify that I do NOT want men to make out or do anything to my unconscious body. I'm just saying, why do these bitches do nothing and end up happy forever? That's some communist shit.