December 12, 2012

50 Shades of Borrrrrriiiinnnngggg

Everyone and my mom have recommended that I read 50 Shades of Grey for reasons... I don't know, actually.

It's ironic that no one understands why I don't have any interest in reading the books (minus the people in my human sexuality program-- and for that, I love them so, so, so much) and I'm sitting there thinking, "Why the fuck would I WANT to read them?"

A similar situation happened with Twilight except it was less extreme because Twilight doesn't involve BDSM (actually, it qualifies as a straight-up abusive relationship but I try not to go into that with the women who are queer for this "romance"... seriously sounds like a Freudian problem though). With both series, women will introduce the books as being total crap writing but having some wonderful plot or perk of containing sex.

Ok, first and foremost, there's this thing called the Internet and the most highly searched term is "sex" quickly followed by "porn" and "free porn". Alright, you don't want to go into searching Internet porn and having it on your history, risking get a virus, seeing something you can never unsee, and potentially crashing your computer. I get that. But a) that doesn't mean that all of us what to navigate shit writing to access sexytime and b) if you use this reason for reading Twilight or 50 Shades, you're done judging people who do watch Internet pornography. You're either done or you're a hypocrite.

Second, I'm in a human sexuality program. I don't need the excuse of reading crap to access sexual material plus I like to think that my sexuality is not solely accessed through reading high school drama.

Which brings me to another point-- everyone claims to hate high school-level drama (here is where we could insert the random tirade of whoever tries to claim to hate high school-esque drama is full of shit because they are usually the purveyor of said drama) soooooo why would I want to read it? Even if it does have sex in it, wouldn't I want to access something that doesn't have the drama attached? Oh wait, that's porn. There's no drama in porn... just sex (See? That free Internet porn is looking better and better, isn't it?).

Finally, what the hell do you do when you read this shit for the sex? I mean, I know what people do when they watch porn (I even know what you're doing if you're watching porn in a human sexuality class-- analyzing the behavior and your emotional response). But what do you do when you read drama-filled sex? Do you really sit there envious? Are do you walk away frustrated with your sex and/or relationship because your partner is not some abusive dick protecting you?

Side point: you know that enjoying an overprotective dick for a partner is like feeding misogyny, right? Can we just put that out there? You actually want to be lesser/incompetent beings. Seriously, there's no other way of slicing this-- you are advocating and swooning over patriarchal themes that you KNOW are written badly. And by further reading this crap for the sex rather than just going out and having sex or outwardly activating your sexuality through pornography, you're continuing the gender stereotypes that maintain a misogynistic culture. Just throwing it out there.

Pretty much.
And men are guilty of the book recommending nightmare that I experience too. Several guys have suggested I read the Game of Thrones series. First off, the TV show is epic-- why do I need to read 700+ pages a book to re-ingest the same material? Second, the shit is 700+ pages a book-- file that under not fucking happening. Third, my big struggle when reading Shakespeare (besides being written in ridiculous) was that I couldn't keep track of the characters, especially if I couldn't pronounce the names. So people became their first initial, "Ok, that's P-something." Then after about 4 Fs on quizzes, I realize there are 3 different P-somethings. No wonder the shit didn't make sense. And while watching the show, I've joked around with my friend that they needed to slap name tags on these people which includes all their nicknames. Like poor Peter Dinklage. Everyone in the show is a dick to him and calls him "the Imp" and that's all I know him as. And then you have about 12 hot brown-haired males approximately in the their 20s and half of them are some dead dude's bastard son. I cannot keep up with that shit. Moral of the story-- how am I supposed to keep up with these people when reading if I don't have the visual information of what the person looks like?

I'm not reading Twilight, 50 Shades of Bullshit, or Game of Thrones. You know what I read? I read articles for my dissertation or books to improve myself as a therapist.

Because of this, I noticed a couple months ago that there isn't a single thing I read that I do not take notes on. It is exhausting and makes reading even less enjoyable than previously thought (which is saying something because I cannot stand reading, it takes too long-- which actually should be the primary reason why I wouldn't read any of these series). So I decided I needed to start reading information that is completely and totally useless but interesting enough to hold my attention. The only other subject that has ever held my attention for an extended period of time was serial killers (I used to want to be a criminal psychologist). So, after some digging around online, I found a book that was written by a criminologist but watered-down enough so that I'd understand it since I've never taken a criminology course.

I've gotten through the book impressively fast for me and as of last night, I don't want to read it anymore (but I've got 30 pages left, so I'm going to power through it). Most chapters I'd finish reading in one night and then would think, "What the hell was that chapter about?" The whole thing is written in stream of consciousness and doesn't go into details on many things. Further, the book is repetitive and somewhat dramatic in places. The straw that broke the camels back that made me totally done with the book was a paragraph I read last night which gave very incorrect information. I became so mad that I was able to call this well-renowned author and criminologist on his bullshit in a topic I know nothing about.

But that's when I realized-- I don't think I can read anything but the things I take copious notes on or find challenging. I just have no patience or respect for it which fueled me to post this explanation to everyone whom INSIST I need to read certain series.

I'm still looking forward to that book on Ed Gein, though. Crazy bastard.

Plus, a book nor my imagination has this level of foxiness, rendering it boring.

December 10, 2012

What I Learned in School Today...

Before I get started on my post, I have to laugh because I just watched 50/50 with Foxy McFoxerson more commonly known as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I laughed because I remembered my last post referenced The Help and since neither of those audience group overlap beyond myself, I'll just let you know now that the girlfriend in 50/50 was the woman who got a lot of used commodes on her lawn in The Help. My other thought on 50/50 was that they cannot cast such a hot man as lead role because when his girlfriend cheats on him and no women in the bars are interested in him, it's far-fetched and unbelievable. Also really makes you hate that bitch from The Help.

ANYWAY! Go see the movie, it stemmed those "What would I do if my life were ending soon?" thoughts I covered in a previous post so I won't hash that stuff out again.

Onto this post--

Earlier today, I was dishing out my advice which is becoming more and more fleeting and my friend, whom was listening, remarked, "And this is what she does as a therapist." I laughed and automatically responded, "Honestly, the techniques I learned have been super helpful in my social life but otherwise, the degree was useless." It was laughed off as a joke but I was really struck by what I had just said. That was the truth. Like, more honest than I have been with myself truth. And it was entirely unprovoked.

The last few weeks I have been truly disappointed with my masters. I thought this was the easier route to a job than human sexuality and that the information would help me leaps and bounds on how to work with couples. As I'm applying to couples therapist jobs, I recognize that there is a good chance I will screw myself over in another interview because I don't know dick shit about couple therapy. Even some of the marriage and family therapy models are fading in my memories as they were never commit to my brain for tests. I have couple therapy books I'm about to read because it's required for one of my spring courses in my doctorate but I cannot help but wonder, "Then why did I get that degree again?"

I've been searching for some meaning to satisfy my questions as to why I just spent 2 years and a shit-ton of money for credentials I don't even bother to put at the end of my signature. It was my statement today that I recognized, "Maybe the only point was to learn those techniques, grow as a person, and keep walking through life." So what did I walk away with?

  • don't give advice

It would be interesting to sum-up how much of my life I have spent doling out free advice whether the person asked for the advice or not. What would add a new layer of depressing to it would be to compare to the sum number of times someone followed through on that advice. Ironically, learning this reality has made receiving unsolicited advice all the more infuriating. I want to give the advice to the person to take there advice and stuff it in their fucking holiday turkey.

  • sit on it

In connection to the above, there's frequently a time when I want to say something, but I've learned to just sit on it. In the past, I felt that this was dishonest and would eventually share what is on my mind. I'm still not sure if it is dishonest, but there has truly been times when saying something allowed social interactions to continue to be painless for everyone involved. There is a time and place for everything-- sit on something if you feel you should even if it seems like your head will explode.

  • reframe

Reframing things for myself has become my saving grace. I'm not sure if it gives me excuses (except when I reason procrastination as "self care"-- that's definitely just excuses) but I also know that it has helped me to sort of pack things away in my mind and help me sleep at night.

  • my gut is on point

I have a sixth sense for the most bizarre things-- peg the occasional exact line of a chick flick or criminal minds episode; knowing if I will attend a social event or not (ie will the other person bail); etc. I've also gotten more in touch with my internal reactions which allows me to muse over things until I fully understand why I'm having certain internal expression happening.

  • the most childish things are unfortunately the most helpful things

Why do we teach kids to count to ten or take deep breaths when angry? Why did we practice simpleton "I *feeling*" statements in 6th grade? Why do we harp on kids to make a colorful schedule of their activities? Because the shit works. I've started practicing these things in life and every time I get a little frustrated that the methods work and I haven't been doing them since I was 5, when they were originally taught to me.

  • take the victory when you can and just because you didn't take it yesterday, doesn't mean you cannot today. Don't wait, just do it.

Be where you are. Carpe the fucking diem. You're human and you're not perfect so take what you can get and if you get more of it, awesome, take that too.

And when all else fails, assemble your thoughts into words because while you may have a faint picture of what you learned in your masters which is collecting dust, memories fade like pictures but words are concrete and once they are said or written, the imprint is made and you can continue to remind yourself with a simple list of why you bothered with the degree. You did not know these things without the experience that provided this information and for that, the experience was worth it... even if it doesn't find you a job.

December 3, 2012

Touché, Falls Churchian, Touché

For the record, I'm not a politics person. I'm just generally not a fan of talking politics because a) I'm not a politician and I try not to be serious talking about something I don't know seriously anything about and b) I'm probably not going to change someone else's mind anytime soon so why the hell bother and c) I study sex-- I just have better and more interesting things to talk about that I'm BEAST talking about.

Having said that, this is a political-ish post.

For those of you who don't know, Falls Church is a city that is so far up it's own ass it's also a county... a 2.1 square mile county. Every one and their mom works for the government in someway and most people have more money than they know what to do with.

When my grandfather (and then my mom and then my dad and then me) moved into Falls Church, it was the not-so-hot-shit it still is but people are unwilling to admit. But that's how we got in and managed to be in the same home for 24 years and have, in that time, erected an old horse-pulled John Deere mower in the front lawn (which now has it's own little friend-- a scoop! So exciting). I was the redneck in high school despite my best efforts to purposefully blast Rob Zombie out my car while I run over 5 popular kids every day I left school. We were those people with the extra classy lawn around the corner from our neighbors with the 365 Christmas lights in their front tree (there's a definite possibility that there's something in the water).

But on my way to Panera today, I saw that we have been trumped for most unclassy yard-- someone had placed a toilet in their front yard with a sign above stating "Flush right wing, tea parties, and young guns". Being a true Virginian, I proceeded to exclaim, "What the hell?! Are we in West Virginia?!" and then on my way back, I slowed to a crawl just to make sure, yes, someone ACTUALLY is trying to make a political statement with a shitter in their yard. At this point, I stated (to myself, mind you, because I've officially gone around the bend being unemployed), "What? Were they inspired by 'The Help'?!" Ok, maybe I was working on that while waiting for my sandwich...
Scene from The Help-- too much to explain. Go see the movie. It's hilarious and because I have a major girl-crush on Emma Stone

BUT SERIOUSLY. This baffled me. Being only about a month since the elections, we all have it fresh in our minds the stupid, obscene, excessive, and confusing lengths people will go to make their political voices heard.

And I really don't get it.

This person was just the prime example because, really, what was your thought process? You're sitting on the toilet and thing, "Porcelain throne, you were meant for better things. Instead of TAKING shit, I think you should be out there GIVING shit! A really empowering statement that will change the way my neighbors think about me." I mean, if you were aiming to change the way your neighbors thought about you, mission fucking accomplished because I used to just see your house as one on the way to Panera but now I know a batshit crazy liberal lives there.

I guess part of my alarm was what my neighborhood is-- we have multi-million dollar mcmansions being built around us all the time and amidst the holiday season, you expect lawn decorations. But a toilet? Total curveball.

Continuing my Panera-aromatic ride home, I continued to puzzle, "Why the hell do people feel it necessary to make a big damn deal about their political beliefs?" You really cannot keep your shit[ter] to yourself? And then I remembered that I, too, put some political things on my wall, usually in a joking manner, but all very clearly anti-people against civil rights. I immediately tried to rationalize, "But that's because I care and know about those topics passionately." And if this person passionately care about those things, how is it different from me passive aggressively stating my viewpoints. I walked up to the steps of my house humbled because I finally started to understand a little more why some people choose to be stupid, obscene, excessive, and confusing in broadcasting their beliefs.

I was also humbled that we were no longer the trashiest lawn in all of Falls Church. Seriously, a toilet in your yard?