But I'm back, and I'm sure your life is more complete for it.
So this post today is an update on the solid attempts list and other stuff and is generally a hotmess.
Hotmess is one of my new words. It is more socially appropriate than "clusterfuck" and it conveys the same sentiments of 2+ things smashed together into a.... you guessed it,... clusterfuck... or hotmess... whatever.
And, unfortunately, "hotmess" has made its way into my academic career. I have an online class that requires posts reflecting my personal thoughts/feelings/reactions/symptoms/plans for world domination EVERY WEEK. And EVERY WEEK we have to read everyone elses' posts (in theory) and respond to two. Some of the subjects of said assignments include "things I observed while sitting at a coffee shop or on a train for an hour". Needless to say, things get tedious.
So my thought is to make the assignments a little less "uuuuugggggghhhhh" (that's the scientific term, right?) for everyone, I write conversationally like I do here, but with less cursing, less cursing, and more critical thought towards the required materials in order to meet the expectations of the assignment. This is where hotmess fits perfectly-- "My notes are a hotmess, but in general, here's what I found."
Well, apparently my professor doesn't agree as every time I have written the h- word, I get her
Ok, I get it, I should be a humble student eager to improve where I can and I will fully admit that there has been 2 or 3 reaction papers/homework assignments this semester where upon reading the comments I thought, "Yea... that really does sound like shit." But after a while, give me a fucking break. I'm not Shakespeare nor will I be the next Maya Angelou but you asked for my personal reaction-- not a professional critique in officially format.
There's a great chance I'm wrong on that one but... I don't really care. I'm that over it.
And maybe that's the dark side of trying to be more positive and be more content with where I am-- you reach a point where you think, "Well, that's just going to be a hotmess. Get over it world, because I'm not dicking with it anymore."
So anyway, the rest of the solid attempts list:
I got a haircut last week-- not in March like I had anticipated BUT now I'm on the haircut schedule I want to be on (get one every factor of 4 month-- April, August, December). The shit took over an hour and a half which I still don't understand even though I was THERE and didn't have her wash my hair or do anything fancy. Just put in layers. Geesh. I was late to my tutoring sort-of-job which really pissed me off but thank Buddha high schoolers are really lax on time.
I made some progress on the basement I think I got my TV Area set up and some floor cleaned but beyond that... I don't remember what I did. THAT'S A LIE. Ok, so in the workroom, my dad built these big shelves for storage and I decided to block them into three sections-- one for each of us. Your shelf was your space to store things and if you cannot fit your shit in an organized manner on your shelf, guess who's problem that is. So this month, I finally got everyone's stuff on those shelves which is exciting-- well, not really. One person's shelves are overflowing and um... let's not go there.
MOVING ON! It's funny, I made some progress on my textbooks but it was in the few days after I wrote the previous posts. Textbook reading has been totally ditched since then, which I'm somewhat remembering I wrote about in a previous post.
We'll skip and come back to being comfortable with my progress. I have been healthier with my diet and ultimately with my exercising. The exercising deal is still frustrating as I have seen little results. I have more energy and there's clear progress on the cardio machines and while I see slow progress on how much I can lift with my lower body and zero progress on upper body. On top of all of this, I haven't lost a pound or inches or whatever crap people try to tell you in attempts to make you feel better. I love you friends, and I appreciate your efforts but let me try to clarify why the zero weight loss has me so angry: I hate the gym. It is a chore and it's not even a chore I can multitask with to feel somewhat better about. Because of this, it is a fight to go EVERY TIME and when I have nothing tangible or measurable to point to saying, "This is what makes this thankless task worth it", it makes me want to quit. I know for a fact I'm helping myself to not gain MORE weight which is why I haven't quit yet but dear Lord, I would like some type of reward for my efforts.
Meanwhile, with the diet, I think I've gotten to the best I can, given the circumstances. Eating healthy while trying to be cheap is near impossible. Then you add the food group our family is best at-- complaining-- and you're really locked into a box. So, I admire my ability to keep the bill down to a low amount and the reduced number of leftovers in the fridge and eat the healthy dose of complaining with my meal. I just really wish I could cook faster-- I think that needs to go on the solid attempts list to accomplish by the end of the year or something.
To wrap up, I am more comfortable with my progress. The whole time I've been writing this, I've been turning to look at my now totally Pecan Sandie wall, which I finished yesterday. It's a little overshadowed by the unholy shit look of the uncleaned floor (which is at it's worse in front of where I painted) but I think about how I JUST got the wall painted-- the floor will come in time. I'm not thrilled with my weight but I find odd inspiration from things like this photographer who has made it a personal project to take pictures of herself in public spaces with peoples' reactions which, if you look at the pictures, are less than kind. There's something very striking about the vulnerability and it's a good reminder of everyone goes through this struggle and sometimes it's not as visible as a picture. Nope, my books are not read and when I look at them occupying every little crevice of my bookshelf next to my desk, I heave a great sigh but remember that I've been doing something important and/or caring for myself when I wasn't reading those books. When all else fails, I waste a few minutes learning about something stupid, like an article about the Quokka written by a Quokka including special lines like "I'm delicious." Plus the animal is fluffy and smiles ALL THE TIME. It's fucking adorable.
I heard of a Buddha quote earlier in the day, "Let go or be dragged" so I'm continuing to harness the power of the Quokka and just be content with a hotmess present.
|He is all sorts of excited about that leaf.|