July 30, 2014

Most of My Emotions are Pop Culture References

First blog post of the new year!      In August!     That's some horrible record, I'm sure.

Today's inspiration for a post has been brought to you by healthier eating.

That's right, healthier, not healthy. I could go on with a long speech how there's always room for improvement and in my efforts, I don't want to become some health snob but let's be real...

... food is fucking delicious.

And the healthier eating is coming with healthier habits. Yes, healthier, not healthy because working out is not fucking delicious.

I stand corrected...

Anyway, I finally woke up early enough to get started on a healthier regimen that I came up with *cough* several months ago. This morning we will be walking through how well that went.

Ideal: Wake up at 8am.
Reality: Woke up at 7:58 am. Thanks to a text from mom. The last thing I remember from my dream was yelling at Diane Sawyer to "Stop petting that dead beaver!" I have been having some seriously whack-a-doo dreams lately and while they could be their own blogpost, I remember how when I read about people's dreams on Facebook, I think, "Good god, no one cares."

Ideal: Get up, drink 8 oz. of lemon water and take a 20 minute walk.
Reality: This was delayed due to playing Simpson's Tapped Out on my phone. Shut up. It's important. BUT I did mosey upstairs, slice my lemon up for the week, and mosey back down to take my laps around the pool table. Online it says to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. No. There's no "enjoy" outside for an introvert or someone who plans to spend the day in their sleep clothes at 8:30am. I also thought that taking laps around my house meant I could check email safely without wandering into traffic.

Here's where the learning curve starts:

---Fact: lemon water makes me gag.

It's just lemon and water. It's supposed to jump-start your metabolism or some crap without all the calories and sugar and such of coffee or chai tea lattes. So, I didn't check my email. I instead asked the Internet why I was gulping down liquid death bile while doing the Indy 500 in my boxers. Luckily, I only had 2 emails, one from Barnes & Noble and one from Kim Kardashian trying to get me to buy her shoes (I did it once and they are hot as shit but she hasn't backed off since)--fast delete.

Ideal: At 8:30am, prepare and eat breakfast.
Reality: At 9am, I grabbed the materials I needed and thought, "Let me take a glance at my berries and make sure they're still ok... oh no! The blackberries are molded! At least the rasp- NOOOOOO!!!"

---Fact: I know my berries are local because it's humanly impossible to keep them from not turning into mold instantaneously.

But, hey, the blueberries were ok which is great news as they are my least favorite berry. Hooray. I can just throw them in with the one-person healthy oatmeal pancake I was making. I tried to soothe my berry anguish by thinking back on the scene from Prison Break when Dominic Purcell asks his son if he wants a little or a big handful of blueberries in his pancakes.

... could I have a big handful, Dominic Purcell? How about two big handfuls?

I miss the hell out of Prison Break. I still get incredibly upset at Fox when I think about how they killed off Wentworth Miller. Honestly, you were already killing the show, did you have to kill the hero too?! Butt weasels...

---Fact: Healthy eating and, thus, healthy cooking is only for morning people.

I ran into the pool table while walking around it 60 times. Ok, that was inevitable. But I got upstairs and dropped everything--blueberries,

---Fact: Blueberries are small and round so when you drop one, you actually drop 5 and they will all roll under the oven or into a lint/hair ball that collected in the corner 5 seconds before you dropped said berries like berry magnets.

bananas, cinnamon, a knife... I went to put away the cinnamon and somehow knocked over every spice in the spice rack. I always sniff-test milk before I pour it in food (even though I use it every morning for chai) and I ran the jug into my face. HOW DO YOU RUN A GALLON JUG INTO YOUR FACE?!... SOBER?!
So, I had made the recipe before and I maybe got too cocky and forgot to put water in the batter.

---Fact: If someone is cooking, don't bother to ask "What's burning?" We all know what's burning.

"Oh, you know, it's my clothes because I decided to go to burning man for a hot second while cooking pancakes." I don't even know if they burn things at burning man.

---Fact: Maybe it IS best to start healthier eating in the morning.

You'll be too asleep to gag on burned pancake. Or maybe your gag reflex will be minimal after gagging on lemon water. Either way, right before your last bite, you'll realize you are Homer Simpson's yearbook photo.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing. Every. burnt. bite.

Ideal: At 9am, start reading professional books in 25 minute increments followed by 5 minutes of stupid Pinterest workouts (like squats and wall sits) using the Pomodoro timer.
Reality: Fuck all of that. I'm writing a blogpost.

I wanted to write at the very least a blogpost every 5 days during the first month of my healthier eating campaign. I knew it would be filled with classic moments like this which would be riddled with "fuck this." The goal is to eat healthier but real pressure is currently for a Halloween costume idea I have for this year. I usually get lazy in the homestretch of Halloween and come up with something rather lackluster so I'm desperately trying to hold onto this grand idea I have. Maybe now it's time for gym? I can go fantasize about Joseph Gordon Levitt, Dominic Purcell, and Wentworth Miller.

... and my boyfriend... of course... mostly my boyfriend...

This August, everything's coming up Milhouse!