November 3, 2011

Bridget Jones' Blog

When I've had a bad day, I watch one (or both on REALLY bad days) of the following two movies: 

     Bridget Jones' Diary
     Rob Zombie's Halloween

Ok, you know what, don't judge me. They are both good films... in their own way.

Bridget Jones makes me feel better about myself (I thought I had problems) and Halloween is my vicarious revenge (Now YOU have a problem, Bwahaha!).
In the past two years or so, I've been avoiding watching Bridget Jones even when I have a real JONES to. I know, I'm fucking hilarious! It all stems from my old roommate totally shaming me about my Bridget Jones behavior.

     A couple years ago, when my roommate and I originally moved into our apartment together, my ex cheated on me. Dick. 
     Instead of handling it like any normal person,  and sending him a dead rat covered in the Ebola virus I watched Bridget Jones' Diary
     about 6 different times, most of which was out in the living room. On my sixth viewing, my roommate walked through
     commenting, "Bridget Jones- again?" Yea, shutup about it. I was not able to even enjoy the movie I had memorized in record
     time, I was fuming. The movie ended and I went in my room to huff and feel sorry for myself when logic came out of his
     hiding place (because let's face it, you don't have logic when you're sucked into the sappy world of a chick flick) and
     said, "Well Lauren, maybe it's time to move on and not BECOME Bridget Jones- except not witty and British."
     Fast forward a solid 8-12 months. I had moved on, had a new boyfriend, life was good- but I didn't watch Bridget Jones-
     even though I thought I had earned it. While doing homework one day in the living room, I noticed a very familiar DVD
     box from across the room- IT WAS BRIDGET JONES! I checked my collection- it was a different copy. And here I was,
     avoiding it. I was pissed. I called practically everyone in my phone and upon answering I would scream-whisper (our walls
     were paper-thin), "SHE BOUGHT BRIDGET JONES!" Yeah, nobody was nearly as upset as I was. Nor did anybody know about the initial
      incident which just made for many awkward conversations.
 
So now I'm in a different state than this person and I still avoid watching it. I force myself to watch Halloween for the 320984029th time because I've yet to be ashamed about that. But last night, it happened. Bridget Jones went into my DVD player and played. Well, after some coercion of my DVD player which is the epitome of a piece of shit.

The magic is gone. Bridget Jones wasn't the same. I saw the uncanny parallel between a line I've heard over a dozen times and my life the past few months- "I've decided to take control of my life and start a diary to tell the truth about Bridget Jones- the whole truth." Every time someone in the movie implied to her biological clock, I cringed all the more. For now I not only have all my peers, teachers, coworkers, friends, and family talking about "when I have kids" but now CLIENTS. And I don't have the luxury to tell them like I've told several others "I find tapeworms more appealing than children." I have to smile and nod... and die a little on the inside... Maybe I'll send Michael Myers after them. But judging how he treated his psychiatrist, I probably have a slim chance of that working out.

So, I've lost my pathetic character to push myself above. I feel as though I have sunken to the same, sad level. And in my abysmal, self-pity state, I want to watch Bridget Jo- dammit.

I guess now I have to reach to an even lower character to push myself above on those rough days. BUT, on the plus side, I expect to be dating a successful, foxy (although I find nothing foxy about Colin Firth), rich man with an accent (crossing my fingers on an Australian accent) very soon! Mark your calenders for that blog post, people! Yeah, and hold your breath too

Ironically, I'm lying down, on my stomach, on my bed, writing this post- De.press.ing.

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